Crier Quotes

“Riddle me this — if there aren’t any seeds, how did they grow the bun?”
- John Madden

Trending Now

According to analysis of Google search data, the company Americans want to work at most is Walmart, with 590,000 searches for job openings conducted each month. Of those 590,000 searches, 587,000 were followed by the search — “Does Walmart drug test?”

New York will allow liquor stores to sell beer at 10AM instead of noon on Sunday. So now, earlier than ever, you can walk into a liquor store and hear someone say, “I think you have a problem.”

Scientists say they’ve discovered an exoplanet believed to be made nearly entirely of iron. The team of scientists say they won’t know for sure if the planet is entirely made of iron until they send Schwarzenegger to see if he can pump it.

Spirit Airlines canceled around 100 flights on Friday after removing some of its planes from service for inspection. Spirit did not specify why the planes were being inspected but called it a "mandatory maintenance inspection." A spokesperson for Spirit said they’ll get all 100 of those planes back in the air as soon as the glue dries.

Feature

Jake Paul Announces Next Fight Against Himself

YouTuber-turned-prizefighter Jake Paul made a splash this week as he announced he will return to the ring one more time this calendar year for what he believes will be his most challenging fight yet. In a statement, Paul said, “My mission is to be a world champion, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get there. December 15th is the next step on my journey, and I promise you're not going to want to miss it.” After surveying the field of possible opponents, Paul realized that the only worthy opponent for himself was himself.

At a press conference this week, Paul acknowledged the challenges he’ll face fighting an opponent that knows so much about him, saying, “It’s going to be hard to outsmart myself. You see, I know the moves I would make, so I can anticipate them and counter. But I also know what counter moves I would make, so I would easily counter those counter moves with a second counter move. Obviously, I would see that second counter move coming and respond with a third countermove, only to be countered again, which I would no doubt see coming and counter that too.” At this point, Paul got lightheaded and had to sit down, adding, “Damn, it’s a real ‘turtles all the way down’ situation, huh.”

Sources close to Paul’s training camp say after hearing his remarks at the press conference, he’s taking the fight extremely personally, even pasting a picture of his own face on a dart board in the gym and spending hours throwing darts at it daily. Many details still have to be worked out, but one thing is certain, Jake Paul is a rich idiot.

Miscellaneous

• In order to avoid jail time, Kenneth Chesebro, a one-time attorney for former President Donald Trump, pleaded guilty on Friday as part of an alleged conspiracy to overturn the 2020 election in Georgia. According to sources close to the attorney, the decision to plead guilty was a difficult one for him, but as he always says, “It’s not easy being Chesebro.”

• Researchers find nervous system mechanism behind both the need to itch and the sense of relief after scratching. You can read more by Googling their breakthrough paper — “OOOOOOOHHHHH Yeah, Right There, That’s The Good Stuff.”

• An international student who wanted to be near the beach applied to what she thought was the University of Miami but was actually the University of Miami Ohio. Unfortunately for the 19-year-old college student, the only way she could’ve avoided the mistake was reading.

• A new TikTok trend is using a “dimple maker”: a cherry-shaped device with a curved wire sporting marble-like balls on each end. According to people on TikTok, you pry the device open and slip it onto your cheek as the balls clamp the inner and outer sides together. Naturally, the trend took a turn when women realized they had an opportunity to mess with their partners. The new trend in dimple making videos sees women ask their partner if they want dimples then hearing the screams “wrong cheeks, wrong cheeks!”

• Coca‑Cola and Pernod Ricard announced a global relationship to debut Absolut Vodka & Sprite as a ready-to-drink pre-mixed cocktail in 2024. After working on the collaboration for months, the companies feel they got it just right as the mix finally tastes exactly the same going down as coming back up.

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