Crier Quotes

“There’s something about autumn that makes holding a crossbow feel right.”

- Betty White

Trending Now

This weekend was Halloween weekend, and all around the country, kids enjoyed a night of trick-or-treating for candy — but Halloween in 2023 is a little different than in years past because right next to the bowl of candy that says “please take one,” there’s a bowl of Ozempic.

The makers of Cup Noodles announced Thursday it is introducing a new paper cup design in early 2024, replacing the current polystyrene cup. While the cup is changing, a spokesperson said it'll still taste like sadness and smell like a dorm room futon.

In more food news, KFC is bringing back the Kentucky Fried Chicken Wraps, now lined with mac and cheese. The Mac and cheese lined fried chicken wrap combo meal comes with a 64oz soda and a defibrillator.

Feature

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS Launches New Line with Built-in Udders

She’s at it again. In her latest attempt to break the internet, Kim Kardashian announced on X this week the launch of her new SKIMS line with built-in udders.

The ad opens close on Kim’s face as she describes the dire situation we currently face, “You go into a Starbucks and ask for a latte. The barista asks if you want soy, almond, cashew, or oat milk. Gasp! You guys, have we lost our minds? What happened to good old-fashioned cow milk? Not on my watch. Now, I’m no farmer, but I do believe everyone can use their skill set to do their part. Luckily, I’ve been blessed with a great set of milkers, but why should I have all the fun?”

The shot then pans out to show Kim on all fours in the new bodysuit, udders dangling, “That's why I'm introducing a line with built-in udders. Say goodbye to drinking nuts, because no matter what situation you’re in, a glass of real milk is only one squeeze away. Some coffee houses are lacking. But these udders are packing,” she notes.

Biting her lip while squeezing out a glass, Kardashian explains the product's innovative “KlimaKool” lining that ensures your milk stays ice cold before looking directly into the camera, saying, “Now, who wants a cookie?”

The ad received millions of views online, and comments have been flying in support and opposition, with the hashtag #GetMilked climbing to the top of the trending list. The Ultimate Udder is not the only product Kim is looking to help support cow milk, as she’s been rumored to have sat down with several fashion houses to discuss possible collaborations for a line of muumuu dresses.

In addition to the product launch, SKIMS said they’ll donate 10% of sales from their SKIMS Ultimate Udders as a one-time donation to The 2% Project — a worldwide network with thousands of businesses working together to ensure cow milk stays in stock.

The ad ends with Kardashian exiting the SKIMS lab to sit on the edge of stacked bales of hay, provocatively leaning back, brandishing her udders before she coyly adds, “What? Never seen a set of teats before?”

Miscellaneous

• According to new findings, the moon is much older than previously thought. Scientists believe it’s due to the moon’s incredible nighttime routine. 

• The Russian government on Tuesday denied a report that President Vladimir Putin was ill, and laughed off persistent rumors that he used body doubles to cover for him in public appearances. The Kremlin denied the accusation saying “What are you talking about? Putin has always been black.”

• Passengers on a JetBlue flight arriving at New York’s JFK were shocked when their plane tipped backwards, lifting the front of the plane off the ground. “See, this is why I don’t sit in the back,” said Chris Christie.

• Tinder launched a new “Matchmaker” feature, which allows your family and friends to weigh in on your matches. The company says it hopes the feature will help family members put a face to the STD.

• For the second year in a row, U.S. shoppers are seeing double-digit inflation in the candy aisle, up an average of 13 percent compared to last October. Executives at candy companies say the increase in production costs are being passed onto the consumer, largely due to the union efforts for higher wages for Oompa Loompas.

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