Crier Quotes

“It took me longer than I care to admit that I wasn’t being attacked by apples.”
- Sir Isaac Newton 

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This week the children of former president Donald Trump took the stand in the $250 million civil fraud trial against the former president's family and their company. The testimony of Eric Trump took longer than originally expected as they had to continually regain his attention by jingling a set of keys.

In an interview, Vice President Kamala Harris said her relationship with President Biden is similar to the president’s relationship with former president Barack Obama.  Adding that Biden, ”refers to us both as ‘one of the good ones.’” 

Violent crime in the U.S. dropped last year, but property crimes skyrocketed, according to data in the FBI's annual crime report. For the difference between violent crime and property crime, Google OJ Simpson. 

Feature

Editor’s Note: Originally published in 2021, we celebrate the anniversary of a truly exceptional display of heroism by one NYC police officer, putting life and limb on the line to protect the city he loves. 

Hero Cop Chases Black Suspect 26.2 Miles Across NYC

NEW YORK, NY — Basking in the adulation of thousands of cheering spectators, hero cop Mike Murphy was hoisted atop the shoulders of fellow officers after chasing down a black suspect 26.2 miles across all five boroughs Sunday afternoon.

The call came in at roughly 9:05 am as eyewitnesses said they saw waves of people running following the sound of a gunshot in Staten Island. Although just a rookie on only his second day on the job, Murphy knew he had to act quickly or risk letting the perp get away.

Murphy recalls the suspect employing a serpentine evasion strategy but stayed in pursuit. The suspect was officially considered resisting arrest after numerous shouts by Murphy for him to “Freeze!” and “Stop right there!” were blatantly ignored. He knew this was his first big test to prove he was up to being a New York City cop, and he was not going to miss his shot.

Things got hairy for Murphy after crossing the 59th Street Bridge as the gap between him and the perp widened. "Honestly, if it weren’t for the crowd cheering me on, I don’t know if I could’ve kept going,” said Murphy, “Don’t get me wrong, no officer puts on the uniform to hear the applause, but seeing all those smiling faces and knowing you’re doing everything in your power to keep them and their families safe - that’s what makes me proud to carry the shield."

After 26 miles, the perp suddenly decelerated in Central Park – Murphy finally had his man. He lowered his shoulder and took the suspect to the ground, breaking three of his ribs. He forced the suspect's head to the pavement, dislocating his jaw, and popped the suspect’s shoulder clean out of its socket as he slapped the cuff on him.

At press time, Murphy said he didn’t want to get ahead of himself but he heard whispers were floating around that the city would commemorate his heroism every year with a running of the same route he took that day. “There isn't anything set in stone just yet, but it sure would be nice to shut those snotty Tunnel to Towers punks up,” said Murphy, “but, hey, a guy can dream, right?"

Miscellaneous

• A duck born with a twisted leg that left it unable to walk can now move around, thanks to a 3D-printed limb. Unable to help herself, the surgeon finished the surgery saying, “stick a fork in him, he’s done.”  

• This Wednesday was Halloween. A night when kids get dressed up, pretend they’re someone they’re not, and play a trick on people — or as it’s known in congress, campaigning. 

• A man was arrested in Florida for driving a truck that looked like a Border Patrol vehicle but was marked “Booty Patrol.” The impersonators have inspired a variety of copycats, including a pair of very colorful gentlemen in Miami who are impersonating beach patrol, riding a tandem bike in banana hammocks, calling themselves “Dictectives.” 

• McDonald’s and Crocs have announced a partnership on a new line of footwear — The McCrocs are advertised as “The last shoe you’ll wear before the diabetes takes your foot.” 

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