Crier Quotes

“I knit all my sweaters from 100 percent found materials — mostly from the shower drains at Planet Fitness.”
- Michelle Kwan

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The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday announced its first formal code of conduct governing the ethical behavior of its nine justices. Justice Clarence Thomas said getting handed the document couldn’t have come at a better time as he had just run out of toilet paper and needed something to wipe his ass with. 

It was announced that the 2024 Met Gala theme is “Sleeping Beauties” — an enchanting theme until you learn it was chosen by this year’s guest curator — Bill Cosby 

Bumble says it expects next year will see an increase in the number of mixed generation couples where one user dates someone considerably older — Matching “what’s next with what’s left.” 

Feature

Loophole Gives Man Shot at Third Life Following Successful Completion of Back-to-Back Life Sentences 

They say if there is a will there is a way, and that is certainly true for Robert Williams, who was released this week from New York’s Maximum Security Sing Sing Correctional Facility after remarkably completing back-to-back life sentences. 

In what many are calling the legal loophole of the century, Williams successfully secured his release after being twice declared legally dead by a prison physician. As not to arouse suspicions, Williams needed the deaths to be at the hands of another — Luckily, he was surrounded by murderers, who, if given the right incentives, would be more than willing to oblige. 

In his first life, he met his end shortly after pushing a MS13 member’s head into his birthday flan. For his antics, Williams was strung up in the yard like a piñata and shanked to the tune of La Cucaracha. Clawing his way back from the beyond after he was technically dead for nine and a half minutes, Williams declared to a room of shocked staff, “That’s one.”

Less than a year later, Williams was at it again, completing his second life after he was drowned in the toilet by his cellmate. Williams received his terminal swirly following a heated argument between himself and his cellmate over whether the end of their toilet paper roll should go over or under. After returning a second time, Williams reportedly sat up from the floor of his cell and asserted, “my watch has ended.” 

Upon his release, Williams signed a multimillion dollar deal to help spearhead the resurrection of Death Row Records and this spring will release his debut album “Third Time’s the Charm.” 

Miscellaneous

• According to a new study, walking backward is good for your health. For more, you can Google the research team’s study, titled, “Walking It Back: Conversations with My Wife.” 

• During his testimony this week, Don Jr. said his father is an artist when it comes to real estate, adding, “he sees things that others don’t” — namely, extra zeros. 

• According to sources close to the project, an Elon Musk biopic is in the works. Per his request, Musk will be played as a child by Kevin Hart and as an adult by Mel Gibson. 

• A new study evaluating the combined effects of alcohol and caffeine found that both substances, when used together, lead to a better night sleep — Researchers say the study’s test subjects reported incredible levels of deep sleep shortly before the defibrillator brought them back. 

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