Crier Quotes

“There’s not a single species on this planet that I don’t know what it tastes like.”
- Tom Cruise  

Trending Now

Merriam-Webster announced that it has chosen "Authentic" as its 2023 word of the year — As in “I couldn’t be happier — Dr. Gabbay’s work looks and feels authentic.”

The Japanese film distributor Bitters End said Thursday that the Christopher Nolan film “Oppenheimer” will play in the country’s theaters in 2024. With so much controversy and hype leading up to the release, experts say once the film drops, they expect it to explode across the country. 

A woman in Ohio who screamed and hurled a scalding chicken burrito bowl at a worker in Chipotle was found guilty. The judge ruled she could reduce her jail time in exchange for working 20 hours a week at a fast-food restaurant for two months. You could tell the judge had fun because right after he delivered his sentence, he had a bassist to play the theme song from Seinfeld. 

Feature

Grandson Moves Up Three Places in Will After Exceptional Phone Call to Grandparents 

SIOUX CITY, IOWA — In a stunning turn of familial diplomacy, local grandson, Timmy Johnson, surged three places in the family will hierarchy this week after executing an exceptional phone call to his grandparents, the family’s estate lawyer confirmed. The artful conversation, filled with charm and carefully crafted anecdotes, has rocketed Timmy to new heights in the ongoing inheritance race. 

Sources close to the family report that Timmy's well-timed call wasn't just a casual chat; it was a meticulously planned maneuver to secure a more favorable position in the family fortune. Witnesses describe the conversation as a symphony of witty remarks, endearing compliments, and expertly placed laughter, all strategically designed to leave a lasting impression on his grandparents.

At the start of the phone call, Timmy was trailing his siblings and cousins considerably in all mock inheritance depth cart analysis, but the nearly hour and a half masterclass has catapulted the youngster within reach of the number one spot. Now that the ground work has been laid, Timmy told local outlets he plans on sealing the deal with a steady stream of shorter, more frequent phone calls. 

After word got out of Timmy’s rise, the oldest grandchild, Sue Ellen, made a move to protect her lead as she was reportedly seen making a “surprise” visit for coffee and cake. What took place during the visit is all speculation, but some within the family believe she asked to go through old photo albums, and rumor has it, she taught grandma how to FaceTime. 

Where we go from here is yet to be seen, but one thing is for sure: the game is afoot. 

Miscellaneous

• McDonalds announced it will bring back Adult Happy Meals to select locations — in what many call the culinary equivalent of moving back in with your parents.

• Thousands gathered in midtown Manhattan Saturday for SantaCon — That magical day every year where you can watch Santa get arrested for showing his sack. 

• A deer broke through the window of a school in New Jersey this week. In an interview with reporters following the incident, one student said he couldn’t believe what he saw, adding, “No cap, fam, shit was crazy for real for real, right there in the cafeteria, a straight up live horse, bro.”

• Kansas will redesign its planned 2024 license plate after hundreds of people complained that it doesn’t accurately represent the state. Sources close to the project say the updated design will incorporate the state’s unofficial slogan, “Kansas: You Milk It, You Buy It.”  

• Airport authorities say they busted a tourist attempting to smuggle two otters and a prairie dog in his trousers. The most surprising part of this story is that it took place in Thailand, and not, as you would have guessed, Florida. 

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