Crier Quotes

“When most people think about their family holiday traditions, memories of hot cocoa by the fireplace come to mind, but not for me. For me, it’s when Dad and I would get up early in the morning and hunt the most dangerous game — man.”
- Katie Couric 

Trending Now

Taco Bell announced it will introduce new frozen coffee to its menu. When you upgrade your coffee to a breakfast bean burrito meal you get the to-go bag that doubles as an adult diaper. 

According to plastic surgeons, more men are getting butt implants. Surgeons say the number one reason they hear men say for getting butt implants is so they can finally get that tattoo reading “In case of Emergency: this ass can be used as a flotation device.” 

Feature

Tommy DeVito’s Agent Tells Giants Management It Would Be “Real Shame” If Anything Happened to Daniel Jones

Following his young client’s breakout performances in the last three Giants’ victories, rookie third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito’s agent, Sean Stellato, spoke with Giant’s management to encourage the team to consider signing his client to a multi-million dollar deal as an insurance policy against the uncertainties of the future.

During the meeting, Stellato illustrated his point by asking several times if the team’s first-string QB Daniel Jones was the type of guy who “takes elevators” or drove a Tesla as “those tings tend to drive themselves deep into the marsh where no-one will ever find them again — Capisce?”

Speaking with his client about how things went, Stellato told DeVito that he had made them a compelling offer, adding, “for the sake of copyright infringement, let’s just say, ‘they would be foolish not to accept.’”

The Week Ahead . . .

Nation’s Drunk Uncles Announce They’re Bringing A-Game to This Year’s Holiday Dinner

Holding a press conference in front of the barbecue grills section at Home Depot, the nation’s drunk uncles announced they’ll be bringing their A-game to this year’s holiday dinner. The inebriated uncles made clear their intentions to insert themselves into every conversation, accentuated by their thoughts on all matters political, economic, and cultural.

“Hey, Hey, Hey, lemme tel you what they don’t, shhh, shhhhhh, listem, listem to me. Okay? Alright? Listem, because they don’t want you to know, okay, look, Biden is just a puppet, he’s not a real boy, okay? He’s just dancing on the strings of his puppet master overlord, a shape-shifting reptilian in drag named Doug. Because today, nobody wants to work. Okay? Everyone is all TikTok me your fajita recipe, and Instagrams me a life hack on rizzing up a thirsty GOAT, but when I was a kid, we didn’t have to squeeze almond utters for milk. And we used to say Merry Christmas. Now you can’t say anything without losing your job. So, there, go ahead and cancel culture me because I think Mrs. Butterworth is sexy. And now everyone is sooooooo sensitive, shhhhhhhhhh, listem, listem, okay? I remember you used to be able to compliment a woman’s rack in the office and now it’s all ‘HR needs to speak with you, RON!’ Not in my Backyard. So you sheeple can go to the water cooler and drink the adrenochrome, but I’m keeping the vax out of children’s books.” 

The nation’s uncles concluded the press conference by promising that at some point in the evening they will corner you on your way to the bathroom and describe in excruciating detail, complete with several hand-drawn diagrams saved on their phone, on how to properly satisfy a woman. 

Miscellaneous

IKEA is giving away massive “turkey-sized” versions of their cafeteria meatballs. And this is fun, IKEA says after you eat the whole thing, your stomach puts together a four legged stool.  

Colorado wildlife officials plan to release 10 wolves in the first stage of a voter-approved program to reintroduce the animals after a decades-long campaign to eradicate them across the West. If the program is successful, experts say it could pave the way for the housewives of Bravo to reintroduce cougars to Denver.  

The FBI arrested a male porn actor for allegedly participating in the January 6 capital attack. They knew it was him on the security camera because he was the only guy to show up to the House with a pizza box. 

Business Insider recently ranked America’s best fast food cheeseburgers with In-N-Out taking the top prize. The editorial staff rated the fast food burgers on a scale of single to quadruple bypass. 

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