Crier Quotes

“It gives me great pleasure to inform you that your request for PTO is denied.”
- Ebenezer Scrooge 

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Flaco, the owl who escaped the Central Park Zoo roughly one year ago, is apparently a peeping tom — with numerous reports of him around the city peering into windows — The owl’s favorite place to peep? You guessed it — Hooters. 

Scientists say they have discovered the cause of morning sickness — a hormone called GDF15. The discovery replaces the previous theory, known in medical circles as “baby farts.”

Feature

Grandma Hires Morgan & Morgan in Run Over by Reindeer Case 

CASTLE ROCK, CO — A joyous Christmas Eve celebration took a turn for the unthinkable Sunday evening as Grandma, heading back home for her forgotten medication, was run over by a reindeer. Not going silently into the night, however, Grandma has enlisted the services of a renowned personal injury law firm Morgan & Morgan to seek justice for the injuries she sustained.

Doctors at Castle Rock Adventist Hospital, where she was treated for her injuries around 12:41am, confirmed Grandma sustained a grade 2 concussion and showed visible signs of whiplash caused by the impact from what appeared to be hoof prints on her forehead.

Although much of the incident remains a blur, Grandma claims there is no mistaking the perpetrator for anyone but St. Nick. In her incident report with local authorities, Grandma identified the vehicle that struck her as having the license plate DADDYSLAYS and a bumper sticker reading “Jesus is Coming. Look Busy.” Her account also includes hearing Claus muttered, “Oh shit, not again,” as he stumbled out of his sleigh, with bloodshot eyes and eggnog on his breath.

Grandma’s legal team released this statement expressing their commitment to seeking justice: "We are appalled by the callousness of the hit-and-run incident involving Grandma on, of all days, Christmas Eve. Our team is dedicated to ensuring that Nicholas Claus is held accountable for his actions and that Grandma receives the compensation she deserves for her pain and suffering. No one is above the law. No one is exempt from the Naughty List.” 

Claus denied our request for comment, but his lawyers at Cornelius, Miser & Elfowitz vehemently refuted the accusation — calling Grandma’s account of the events that night a "complete and utter fiction that would make even George Santos blush.” 

The trial is slated for early spring 2024 when a jury of twelve will decide if Grandma’s stocking is forever stuffed with cash or coal.

Miscellaneous

• Thanks to the massive success of the movie, one of this year’s hottest Christmas toys is Barbie’s Dream House. Meanwhile, the least popular toy for the 75th year in a row is Lego Hitler’s Bunker.

• The James Webb Space Telescope released a high-resolution image of Uranus, revealing 13 rings and nine moons. The photo’s release immediately spawned the comeback, “Oh yeah? Well, yo mama’s so fat, heranus has 10 moons.” 

• Pope Francis issued formal permission for Catholic priests to bless couples in same-sex relationships. In unrelated news, the Pope will not preside over Christmas mass this year as he will be celebrating the holiday with the Dalai Lama in Key West.

That’s it for 2023, folks. It has been quite the year, and I’m looking forward to what comes next. I cannot thank you enough for coming along for the ride. Your support for this newsletter means the world to me. I’m wishing you and your families health, happiness, and prosperity in the new year.

Cheers to 2024! I hope it’s your best yet.