Crier Quotes

“This may come as a surprise to you, but my formal training is in speech pathology.”
- Steven Seagal

Trending News

The global elite will gather in Davos, Switzerland, tomorrow for the start of the World Economic Forum. Topics will include climate change, food security, and the future of work, but most importantly, how to get their names off Epstein’s list. 

Biotech company Contraline has developed a sperm-blocking hydrogel injection that may be the next male contraceptive. The FDA said the drug could be on the market for the general public soon, pending a successful clinical trial with Nick Cannon.

13-year-old Willis Gibson became the first known person to beat Tetris on the original Nintendo Entertainment System, breaking world records for total score, level achieved, and total number of lines. When asked what the 13-year-old Tetris wizard thinks he’ll be when he grows up, Gibson said, “alone.” 

Feature

Game-Changer: Sharper Image’s New Device Translates Women’s Issues into Sports Analogy

In a groundbreaking move, the Sharper Image has launched the ConnectCoach Navigator — a revolutionary device aimed at bridging the communication gap between couples. The innovative gadget translates complex issues surrounding the couple’s relationship into relatable sports analogies, allowing men to better understand and empathize. 

The ConnectCoach Navigator is a metal apparatus that straps onto the male head and locks with a chinstrap. Equipped with racing-horse-style blinders to keep the male attention from wandering while in conversation, the patented artificial intelligence technology translates the issue into the appropriate sports analogy in the voice of a sportscaster that is familiar and soothing to them. Translator settings currently include John Madden, Dick Vitale, Stephen A. Smith, Bob Costas, and Harry Caray, with many more, including Shaquille O'Neal, Charles Barkley, and Jim Nantz in the works. 

“Dealing with changes in our family dynamic was challenging. I struggled to comprehend my wife's perspective, leading to tension and misunderstandings,” said David Miller, 37, “but when the voice of John Madden explained to me that my mother voicing her opinion in our family decisions was like a hall of fame coach who retires but still shouts play calls from the bleachers, not allowing the younger, prettier, new coach a chance. It was like a lightbulb went off, you know. Thanks, ConnectCoach Navigator!” 

With over half a million units sold in the first six months of launch, the ConnectCoach Navigator is scripting the relationship playbook for the future. Up next, the makers of the ConnectCoach will take on their biggest challenge yet in creating a device that translates male grunts into reality show scenarios.

 Miscellaneous

• Bill Hayes, a star of the NBC soap opera "Days of Our Lives," died Friday at the age of 98. Instead of kneeling in silent prayer, mourners will pay their final respects by calling Hayes a bastard and throwing a glass water in his face. 

• McDonald’s is bringing back the Double Big Mac, starting January 24th. In what many are calling the chain’s boldest campaign to date, photos of the double Big Mac have been plastered right outside several heart surgery recovery rooms reading “Finish the Job.” 

• At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, the MouthPad made its debut. The device lets you use your tongue as a mouse for your laptop, tablet, or phone. “Oh, so now you can use your tongue,” said women. 

• Last year, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service delisted 21 species from the Endangered Species Act due to extinction. Even more remarkable is the fact that the now extinct species were all less capable of survival than this thing:

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