Crier Quotes

“My record is 41 feet.”
- Kristen Bell, on buttering herself and sliding across the floor head first

Applebee’s is releasing a new Date Night Pass membership card. The card is the first product to be marketed exclusively to guys who “should’ve won state.” 

After ending his campaign for president, Vivek Ramaswamy went to New Hampshire to endorse former President Trump’s campaign. Things were a little awkward when they first met, however, as Trump thought Ramaswamy was the IT guy.

Chinese scientists announced this week that they have successfully cloned the Rhesus monkey. The successful cloning is impressive, but Chinese scientists say they’re more proud of the fact that — unlike some of their previous work — they were able to keep this animal experiment in the lab. 


Failing the Future: Shocking Number of American High Schoolers Unable to Accurately Draw Hippopotamus Teeth

In a concerning revelation, a recent international study has exposed a significant deficiency among American high school students: a shocking number of them are unable to accurately draw the teeth of a hippopotamus

The study, conducted across multiple continents, surveyed high school students’ abilities in drawing specific animal features. The results revealed a notable disparity, with American students lagging behind their counterparts in Europe and Asia when it came to rendering the distinctive teeth of a hippopotamus.

Statistical figures indicate a measly 18% of American high schoolers demonstrated a proficient understanding of hippopotamus teeth in their drawings. In contrast, European students boasted an impressive 72% accuracy while Asian students recorded an astounding 98% success rate. These numbers underscore a long-standing and concerning trend of American youth falling behind their global peers.

Experts in education place a substantial amount of the blame on the significant learning loss due to the COVID pandemic. The inability to accurately depict hippopotamus teeth, a seemingly simple task, raises questions about the effectiveness of education in American high schools.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — there isn’t one silver bullet solution to closing the achievement gap between ourselves and the rest of the world,” said Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, “but focusing on addressing the areas of staggering ineptitude, such as math, science, and the ability to draw hippopotamus teeth, is crucial to preparing future generations for a diverse and competitive world, and I will do everything in my power to correct this injustice. For the future of not only our children but our nation.”

As this newsletter goes to print, the Biden administration announced plans to solve the educational crisis by committing $1.7 trillion to providing one live hippopotamus to every elementary, middle, and high school in the country.


  • A German man earned a world record for drinking a cup of coffee in 3.12 seconds — Then, he earned a second world recored for fastest clench. 

  • Researchers at Washington State University conducted a study on mice to determine why weed makes you hungry. They still don’t know why weed makes you hungry, but what they do know is that mice really like Dave Matthews Band. 

  • A new exercise study showed significant gains in people in their 80s and 90s after starting a weight lifting program three times per week — So now you and your friends can play a fun game at the gym where you guess if the white dust on the floor is from grandpa chalking his hands or powdering his nuts. 

  • Following his dismal sixth-place finish in the Iowa caucuses, Asa Hutchinson announced he is no longer running for president. Said voters: 

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