Crier Quotes

“Uppie! Uppie!”
- Napoleon Buonaparte 

China’s birth rate plunged to a record low in 2023 — or, as it was originally reported in newspaper headlines across China, “Worker Shortage Expected.”

In his victory speech after winning the New Hampshire primary this week, former President Donald Trump mocked competitor Nikki Haley’s “fancy dress that probably wasn’t so fancy” — Adding that he had seen, “fancier dresses on Giuliani.” 

A California woman earned a Guinness World Records title for longest single strand of arm hair at 7.24 inches long — And, you’re never going to believe this, but she’s single. 


Biden Administration to Help Migrants Adjust to Life in Chicago by Handing Out Firearms

In a move aimed at addressing the humanitarian needs of migrants, the Biden Administration took a significant step this week by announcing a new initiative that will provide essential supplies to individuals bussed from Texas to Chicago. The “Welcoming Arms” initiative, part of the administration's commitment to ensuring the well-being of migrants, provides one standard issue Glock 19 to all families arriving in the reigning and defending murder capital of the US.

"We recognize the challenges faced by migrants, and our administration is committed to providing support and assistance as they embark on this journey," stated a spokesperson from the Biden Administration, “we hope by providing migrants with vital firearm protection, we’ll be able to assuage their transition to living in Chiraq.”  

Chicago's Mayor expressed gratitude for the collaborative effort, emphasizing the importance of a compassionate approach to the migration issue. “Modern problems require modern solutions. We welcome these measures taken by the Biden Administration to ensure the safety of those traveling through our city," said the Mayor, “and we look forward to seeing all the wonderful ways our newest residents will use these firearms to add to our great city’s nightly symphony of bullets.”

This move comes as part of broader efforts to address the complexities of migration and underscores the Biden Administration's commitment to a pragmatic approach to immigration challenges.


  • Southwest Airlines said on Monday its pilots approved a new labor agreement, which will offer about a 50% pay raise over a five-year period. “Wait, you guys are getting paid?” said Spirit pilots.  

  • A new wedding trend sees more couples hiring a flacon or eagle to fly down the aisle with the rings. For the most part, proceedings go off without a hitch, although, there was one instance where things went terribly wrong when the all the bridesmaids wore salmon dresses. 

  • The San Antonio Zoo is bringing back its fundraiser that allows you to name a cockroach, rat, or vegetable after your ex that’ll then be fed to its animals in exchange for a donation. The zoo says the vast majority of women who participate in the program get a good laugh out naming a vegetable after their ex, specifically, a shriveled-up baby carrot.  

  • A California man was arrested at Planet Fitness for stripping naked and threatening fellow members with a knife. The man was booked at the Ventura County Main Jail on charges of battery and brandishing a deadly weapon or firearm, and one count of impersonating a man from Florida. 

  • According to a new LendingTree analysis, more single women now own homes than single men. Experts attribute the shift to an economic phenomenon known as divorce.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week’s issue and want to support future editions, please share it!

If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.