Crier Quotes

“I can feel it in my plums.”
- Punxsutawney Phil 

Trending News

A Canadian Pizza Hut went viral after employees posted a sign on its front door with an unfortunate typo. Instead of posting about the store closing due to “unforeseen circumstances,” the sign read “unforeseen circumcisions.” We won’t bore you with the rest of the details, but yada yada yada I wouldn’t order the pepperoni. 

One of Italy's best-selling souvenirs – a calendar depicting handsome young Catholic priests, popularly known as “the hot priest calendar” was said to be a fraud. The photographer admitted to a newspaper in London that several of the supposed handsome young priests told him that they weren’t really priests. When asked for comment, the Pope said he wasn’t buying the scandal for a second because, as anyone will tell you, “I’m not a real priest” isn’t something you say out loud, it’s something you whisper to an altar boy.  

The House voted on Wednesday evening to pass a $78 billion bipartisan tax package that would temporarily expand the child tax credit. It still faces an uphill battle before the bill becomes law as it now goes to the Senate, where Republicans have voiced concerns that the proposal would disincentivize work and incentivize having more children than you can afford. But Democrats categorically denied the claim — saying, if anything, Republicans are the ones responsible for needing the tax credit, adding, “we wouldn’t have to do this if you’d just let us kill it.” 

Feature

Girl Scouts Introduce New Bomb Disposal Badge 

This week, the Girl Scouts of America rolled out their newest badge for Brownie scouts which tests their ability to successfully dismantle a ticking time bomb. 

According to the press release, organizational leaders feel that in recent years the Brownies have drifted from their intended purpose — molding young girls into military-grade commandos. Top brass at the Girl Scouts of America developed the badge in an effort to make sure they stay true to their motto “Be Prepared.”

Getting your Bomb Disposal Badge is no easy feat, however. Troop members will be strapped into EOD 9 bomb suits and sent into their choice of real world bomb dismantling simulations: vest-strapped bank hostage, nuclear warhead submarine, unmarked van in a dimly-lit parking garage, or hurt locker. 

“Here’s what I love about this badge — it’s real,” said Troop 451 leader Carole Foster, “its not a badge that’s just given out, like “dancer” or “snacks,” you earn the Bomb Disposal Badge.” 

During each exercise, a small unit of tactical brownies will be on standby just outside the blast radius. In case an attempted disposal goes belly up, this elite group will spring to action in an attempt to secure their Field Triage Badge. 

Upon a successful dismantling, the Brownie will receive a badge braided in green and red wires and two scoops of their favorite ice cream. 

Miscellaneous

• Krispy Kreme has announced Valentine’s Day special-edition heart-shaped donuts — Relationship experts agree it's the perfect gift if what you’re getting your girlfriend this Valentine's day is disappointment.

• According to year-end Nielsen data, “Bluey” was the most-streamed children’s show last year — the most-streamed episode was “Bluey Solves the Zodiac Killings.”

• Recently published in the journal Nature, a group of scientists claim to have discovered a new type of magnetism. They’re calling it “Yes, Chef! Energy.”

• The MTA on Thursday debuted a new version of its modern R211 continuous subway cars, removing the separation doors — Because, why should one car enjoy all the smell? 

• A new Associated Press report traced hundreds of brands to various prison labor facilities across the US. The investigative team knew they were on to something when they noticed 80% of cereal prizes were shanks.

• U.S. News & World Report published the most popular dog breeds in each state. Northern states favored mixed breeds, while southern states favored inbreeds. 

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