Crier Quotes

“And if I’m really good, Daddy gives me a carrot or sugar cube.”
- Eric Trump

Trending News

Tonight’s Super Bowl will see the Kansas City Chiefs face off against the San Francisco 49ers. Who will walk away with the Lombardi trophy remains to be seen, but one thing is for certain, no matter which team wins, several million American livers will lose. 

Martin Scorsese and his TikTok-famous daughter directed a commercial for this year’s Super Bowl. The commercial will see a haggard Robert De Niro sitting in his pajamas at the edge of his bed. It’s 3am. A slow zoom on 80-year-old De Niro’s face. In the distance, his infant daughter screams. Fade to black — Text scroll: It can happen to anyone — Trojan Condoms. 

The US Navy is now using glow sticks for detecting biothreats. High ranking Navy officials said the glow sticks are for biothreat detection, but “the glitter and eye shadow, well, that’s just for us.” 

Feature

Rekindling the Flame: Couples Reignite Romance This Valentine's Day Hiring Ruben Studdard to Sing During Lovemaking

As Valentine's Day approaches, many couples find themselves yearning to recapture the spark that ignited their connection in the early days. Enter Ruben Studdard, American Idol season two winner and Grammy-nominated crooner: whom couples across the nation have been hiring to serenade them at their bedside during lovemaking, creating unforgettable moments of connection and passion.

Ruben Studdard’s velvety voice and soul-stirring melodies have long been synonymous with romance and affection. Recognizing the power of music to evoke emotions and strengthen bonds, couples are embracing the idea of inviting Studdard into their bedrooms to set the stage for an unforgettable celebration of life and love.

Early accounts of the experience are popping up online from every corner of the country. “We were on the verge of giving up,” said John Williams of Cleveland, Ohio, who was desperate for help reconnecting with his partner. “But, staring deeply into Emily’s — and at various points, Ruben’s — eyes while the room filled with the sweet sound of his ethereal pipes changed us. We’re feeling closer and more connected than ever before.”

His newfound position as ultimate cupid has not gone unappreciated by the artist himself. "It's truly humbling to be a part of such intimate and meaningful moments in people's lives," Studdard shared in an exclusive interview. “Music has a way of touching the soul and bringing people closer together, especially, in my personal experience, during moments of raw, carnal lovemaking. I feel blessed to play a role in helping couples rekindle their passion and, quite honestly, get their freak on.”

The demand for Ruben Studdard serenades shows no signs of slowing down. Couples eagerly awaiting the opportunity to create unforgettable memories infused with Ruben Studdard will have to be patient, as the waitlist for his services is two months long and growing by the day. Top spots are in such high demand that an underground market has developed where sellers are offering a chance to climb the list for a price. Whether this Valentine’s Day, or three months from now, one thing is for certain: where there is Ruben Studdard, there is sweet music being made. 

Miscellaneous

• Monday was National Weatherpersons’ Day — there’s a more than 80% chance you missed it. 

• This week, House Democrats gathered for their annual strategy retreat. The theme this year was “finish the job” — While House Democrats work on finishing the job, President Biden will focus on finishing a sentence.

• A California woman, who is the oldest living person in the United States and the second-oldest living person in the world, celebrated her 116th birthday this week. When asked what she wanted for her birthday, she said, “bladder control.” 

• Panera Bread has faced three separate lawsuits in recent months claiming its Charged Lemonade led to the death of two customers and irreversible health complications in another — leaving many to ask why the drink hasn’t been pulled from menus. As of this printing, it is still unclear what makes the Charged Lemonade so dangerous, but sources close to the matter say it may have something to do with the label at the bottom of every case of lemonade mixing powder reading “Producto de Columbia.”

• A new report indicates that dogs dream of their owners. Which sounds nice, but in the dreams, he’s the one with the peanut butter, and you’re the “good boy.” 

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