Crier Quotes

“I don’t wear sandals because both my feet have just one giant toe.”
- Dwyane Wade

Trending Now

Scientists just discovered the world’s biggest anaconda In the Amazon Rainforest — a new species they’re calling the northern green anaconda. The team confirmed the new anaconda is 26 feet long, 440 pounds, and don’t want none unless you got buns, hun. 

A new study tracking the career paths of 10+ million graduates who entered the job market over the past decade claims about half of recent US college graduates work in jobs where their degrees aren’t needed. As a course correcting measure, universities across the country have vowed to give students tangible experience that’ll make their degrees align with their after college life. For example, adding a 20-hour per week requirement for all humanities majors to ask the finance majors how they like their coffee. 

Disney has teamed up with Allure Bridals to launch a capsule of wedding dresses inspired by some of its famous villains. The dresses come in white, black, and red flag.

Feature

Four Loko Introduce New Wasabi Kamikaze Flavor 

Lauding the new flavor as their most incendiary to date, blackout in a can brand Four Loko announced the introduction of their newest flavor, Wasabi Kamikaze. 

“Throughout our long and illustrious 19-year history, we’ve been searching for a way to capture the essence of what it’s like to ‘Live Loko,’ and today, we’ve done just that,” said Four Loko spokesperson Chad L’edoosh, “Looking down the barrel of defeat, aviators for the Empire of Japan had two options: surrender and live in shame, or strap themselves with explosives and dive bomb Allied vessels. They chose the latter. We honor them now by creating a drink that does exactly that but to your insides.”

Wasabi Kamikaze narrowly passed the FDA review board, meeting the administration’s minimum criteria for commercial consumption, scoring just three points shy of being legally classified as a weapons-grade nerve agent — what Four Loko calls its “sweet spot.”  

The beverage is composed 35% wasabi concentrate, 17% soy sauce, 22% high fructose corn syrup, 12% absinthe, 9.5% caffeine, 4% rice wine vinegar, and .5% mucus of a pregnant yak. It comes in 48-, 56-, and 64-oz cans. 

While most will the beverage orally, L’edoosh argues that to truly “ride the divine wind,” it’s optimal to heat it with a spoon and inject it directly into the jugular. 

Miscellaneous

• Finland-based airline Finnair has started a new data collection project, asking passengers to be weighed before flights. The airline hopes the data may help with future aircraft balance calculations. Asking passengers to step on a scale can be awkward, but the Fins are having fun with it. Whenever a passenger steps on the scale and breaks the threshold, it moos. 

• Israeli scientists have grown a pair of tiny “laboratory testicles” they say could eventually help develop a treatment for male infertility, which affects 10-15% of American men. If nothing else, the team said, they’ll make for a fun dinner party guessing game when serving matzo ball soup. 

• According to Bloomberg, the recent influx of job cuts has companies opting for euphemistic and vague synonyms, like “rightsizing,” “org changes,” and “involuntary career event” to ease the blow for their laid-off employees. In return, laid-off employees are leaving an “Involuntary bowel event” on the copier. 

• Merriam-Webster published a list of 12 bird names that sound like insults. Among them are the Cranky Fan, the Mumruffin, and the Dirty Allen. Surprisingly left off the list is a type of pigeon indigenous to Boston, the Yamothasahooah.   

• On April 16, Rudy Giuliani’s book “The Biden Crime Family” will be published by an imprint of Simon & Schuster. What makes the book special is that it is the first to ever be printed using the author’s own ink.

  

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