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Crier Quotes

“Hey, a girl’s gotta eat.”
- Pocahontas 

Trending News

Hundreds of devoted friends and neighbors gathered for a candlelight vigil to honor the closure of the last remaining Hooters in West Virginia ahead of its planned demolition on Monday. In true Hooters fashion, the candles were put out with the runoff from the wet t-shirt contest. 

Cognitive experts claim you can improve your sense of direction simply by wandering around. The technical term for the practice of aimlessly roaming is called “orienting,” and when it’s done on the front lawn in your underwear, it’s called “Bidening.”

Major League Baseball’s new uniform reveal hasn’t gone very well, with players and pundits alike criticizing the new pants, which appear to be see-through. The leagues’s pitchers have been the most outspoken against the new pants, arguing it’s unfair that every at-bat starts with showing two balls. 

Feature

McConnell Looking Forward to Bungee Jumping Across United States

Just days after announcing his plans to step down from his leadership position in the Senate, minority leader Mitch McConnell told members of the press that after his term finishes in 2026, he plans to finally follow his dream and bungee jump across the United States, telling reporters that he “cannot wait to grab life by the chord and let it rip.”

“From day one, whenever anyone asked what I would do if this all went away, the answer has always been the same — hurl myself off the highest points in America,” said McConnell, “well, that day has come. I’ve paid my dues, and it’s high time I ride the lightning.”

Known on the Senate floor as “The Frog Man,” McConnell plans to tackle the US’s gnarliest leaps — from the 955-foot Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado to the 829-foot Stratosphere Tower in Las Vegas. But anyone can take the plunge from the base of a bridge — “been there, jumped that,” says McConnell. He’s out for so much more — which is why he plans to jump where no bungee jumper has jumped before. For his final jump, McConnell will travel to Hawaii, where he will helicopter over the vent of Kilauea and bungee directly into the heart of the volcano — commissioning a custom bungee that’ll allow him enough slack to safely dip his toes in the magma below.

The Kentucky Senator said he’s most looking forward to the rush of the few seconds held in suspension at the bottom of a jump, adding, “Because I’ve got so much loose skin, my skull will stop moving four-to-six inches before the rest of my face does. So, when launching over a river, parts of me might actually graze the water’s surface before retracting — which is pretty rad.”

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Miscellaneous

• Wendy’s faced backlash for its recently announced surge pricing plan that would raise prices based on the time of day purchased. The chain has since walked back the plan, but one wonders how much worse the controversy would’ve been had they gone with the plan first proposed at Wendy’s HQ, charging by how much a customer’s stomach surges past their belt. 

• The first-ever Florida Man Games were held in St. Augustine. The day-long competition featured "a mullet contest, a 'mud duel' with pool noodles, sumo wrestling while holding mugs of beer, and an 'evading arrest' obstacle course, with real sheriff's deputies pursuing the contestants.” In order to qualify, competitors had to submit a rap sheet, family tree with a single branch, and proof of never graduating middle school. 

• The German parliament voted 407 to 226 in favor of a bill legalizing recreational cannabis — Which is fun, until you learn the German word for bong translates to “gas chamber.” 

• A patient at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine played guitar during his brain tumor removal operation. Doctors performing the operation said they did everything in their power to fight the urge to let the scalpel “slip” after the fourteenth time he played “Wonderwall.” 

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