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Crier Quotes

“If it helps, just imagine everyone else naked. That’s what I do.”
- Ray Charles 

A woman on a VietJet flight from Taipei to Bangkok gave birth mid-flight in the plane’s bathroom. Thankful for the flight crew’s assistance, the mother decided to name the child Phxdī kạb t̄hạng k̄hya h̄enụ̄x ṣ̄īrs̄ʹa, which roughly translates to “fits in the overhead bin.”

Hidden Valley Ranch and Cheez-It announced a new crossover dressing. Food editors say they’ll have their review as soon as the reporter who tried it gets out of the hospital.  

Wednesday was National Dentist’s Day — Dentists around the country celebrated getting the recognition they deserve until they realized it wasn’t National Doctor’s Day. 


Americans Agree World Needs Mr. Feeny

A recent poll conducted by the Institute of Sentimental Yearning indicates a striking number of American citizens believe the world would be a better place if it still had the guiding presence of John Adams High’s beloved educator, Mr. Feeny. 

“Since he departed from the American conscious in May of 2000, there hasn’t been anyone in the modern zeitgeist who’s come close to matching Mr. Feeny’s ability to deliver impassioned monologues of substance and consequence,” said Professor of Ethics and Fictional Characters at UC Irvine, Sabrina Vonn, “the only ‘Mr.’ kids listen to now is Beast” She continued, “things starting to make a little more sense?”  

As respondents reflected on the current state of affairs, they speculated about the course-correcting impact Mr. Feeny might have made. 

Of the nearly 9.25 million Americans surveyed, 97% stated a firm belief that if Mr. Feeny were still in our lives today, we might have been able to avoid a majority of the societal ills that plague our nation, including, but not limited to, finance bros, “influencer” as a career choice, pumpkin spice, FaceTiming in public without headphones, X, meetings that could’ve been emails and emails replying all to say “stop replying all,” iPad wielding children in restaurants, truck nuts, CrossFit, waitstaff watching as you choose tip, and the man bun. 

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  • A Maine man was accused of lacing ice cream with THC at a cafe. Customers leaving the cafe were so high they were seen telling friends, “okay, that’s my Uber” and then climbing on a moose.   

  • The first-ever Dubai Jet Suit Championship, featuring a group of pilots flying around on 1,500-horsepower jet suits at speeds up to 80 MPH, was held in the UAE city-state. “Huh, so I guess everything’s moving forward but us,” said middle eastern women. 

  • In a bid to shatter a Guinness World Record and support children facing medically related hair loss, “The Great Cut 2024” will see hundreds of hair professionals gather in San Diego to perform thousands of haircuts. The current record is 339 pounds of hair, which is held by one greek guy’s chest. 

  • Part of a recent plan put forward by Mayor Justin Bibb to “modernize” the city of Cleveland involves selling advertisements that would appear on the side of the city’s garbage trucks. For continuity’s sake, the ads will be for things you associate with garbage like Glad, Hefty, and Love is Blind. 

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