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Crier Quotes

“It was 25 minutes before I noticed everyone was looking at me. That’s when I knew I had a gift.”
- Emma Stone, on her ability to communicate with striped bass 

Trending News

This weekend, the world celebrated St. Patricks Day. One of its most popular drinks, the “Irish Car Bomb,” has long been controversial for its historical connotation. As a remedy, pubs around the world changed the name to a more appropriate and relevant term for something that’ll mess you up, so this year, instead of a “Car Bomb” ask for a “Boeing Door.” 

Friday was National Espresso Martini Day. Between that and St. Patrick’s Day, Monday is going to be “National Admit You Have a Problem Day.” 

Scientists in France say they have discovered what makes us want to dance. According to the team, the right level of syncopation generates surprise, prompting us to get on the dance floor. Which means this year, when your coworkers ask what compelled you at the office Christmas party to rip your shirt off and do the worm, you can now, scientifically speaking, blame it on the boogie. 

Feature

Apple Announce New Director of Marketing Serpent from Garden of Eden 

Shockwaves were sent around the globe Friday morning as Apple excitedly announced their newest hire: taking over as the tech giant’s director of marketing would be none other than the legend himself, the Serpent from the Garden of Eden. 

“Honestly, I couldn’t believe our luck that he was available,” said CEO Tim Cook, “I had heard he’d taken a job working in crypto. Then news got back to me that he was putting feelers out and I had to snap him up. No matter what the cost.” 

While some pundits argue the silver-tongued slitherer is the best in the biz, accounting for many of humanity’s biggest buy-ins — the Crusades, casual Fridays, the McRib — others noted that it’s been a while since he’s had a winner, making them wonder if he’s lost his touch. 

“Okay, sure, he’s marginally rebranded Saudi Arabia in the last few years, but that campaign isn’t without its flaws,” said Time Magazine media critic Denise Fairground, “And let's not forget his string of ‘next-big-thing’ failures such as Ska music, the DeLorean and his most recent effort — selling the American people on Ron DeSantis. If you ask me, he’s washed up.” 

The serpent, addressing a room full of journalists, shared his excitement about joining Apple's team. "It feels like coming full circle for me," he mused, “reminds me when I first got into this business. So, here I am, back in the game to prove to everyone out there who’s been hating on me that while I may be a serpent, I’m still the GOAT.” 

The Serpent has wasted no time diving into his first assignment: spearheading the marketing campaign for Apple's upcoming iPhone 16 release. As this issue goes to print, eyewitnesses confirmed the serpent was slithering into a pitch meeting with top brass at Apple. Donning a sleek, black turtleneck, he unveiled his bold vision — a close-up of a pair of cupped hands slowly zooms out. The hands belong to a fig leaf-covered Sydney Sweeny, who's waiting patiently for an iPhone to drop from the tree above. Displayed in Apple's signature font, the tagline reads: “The iPhone Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree of Knowledge.” 

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Miscellaneous

• A man in Massachusetts was arrested Thursday for robbing an adult store. After hours of negotiation, the man finally came out with his hands up, begging to get cuffed. More news from The Bay State as newly reported Apple Watch data suggests Massachusetts residents get the most aerobic exercise — In large part due to men in Boston desperately trying to outrun their gay thoughts. 

• This week, the CEO of PetCo stepped down. While it was a sad day at the company, employees were told not to worry about him because he’s being sent to a special CEO farm upstate. 

• Russia held its three day presidential election this week. Unlike American voting booths, Russian voting booths have two levers — one for each candidate. This year, voters had a choice between pulling the right lever for Putin or the left lever to open a trap door that leads to the Gulag.

• According to a recent passenger survey ranking airports, New York’s LaGuardia went from worst to first in North America. What makes it so great? Well, after the near 9 year, $8 billion renovation, there are now two Cinnabons. 

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