Crier Quotes

“I once spoon-fed Bob Marley a bowl of gumbo.”
- Cher

Trending News

A new study reports more than 1 billion people now have obesity — The stat has been called “troubling” by medical professionals and “a slap in the face” by Africa. 

Aaron Taylor-Johnson has been formally offered the role of James Bond, according to a report. There’s no official script yet, but sources with intimate knowledge say Taylor-Johnson will play a younger Bond. In this adaptation, the millennial Bond will face his toughest adversary yet — mortgage rates. 

According to Harper’s Magazine, 25% of all cocaine users worldwide reside in the United States — Specifically, Ivy League dorms. 

Feature

Incredible: Trump Raises Bond Money with Car Wash

It was an eleventh hour to remember Sunday as former president Donald Trump and his family rolled up their sleeves and came up with the entire $464 million needed for his civil fraud bond after a single, 24-hour car wash.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” said the former president, glistening in suds and sweat, “but we did. We did it. And it wasn’t even that hard either. Thanks to an unbelievable effort from my entire family: Baron — can that kid wax or what? Unbelievable. Incredible waxer. Some say the best to ever wax. And Don Jr. with the vacuums — what can’t that guy suck? Am I right? — He sucks it all. Every nook, every cranny. He gets in there with those big, beautiful vacuums. Really extraordinary vacuums. People told us they think these were the strongest vacuums they’d ever seen. More suction than Hunter’s nose they said. And the dirtier the better. That’s the way we like 'em. The real dirty ones we called Clintons. And we washed them all. One by one — bing bing boom — just like that. From the Ford F-150 to the Chevrolet Covfefes.”

The 24-hour “Stars and Suds” wash offered three tiers of car care with customers paying $100,000 for the “Bigly,” $250,000 for the “Yuuuge,” and $500,000 for the “Golden Shower Deluxe.” Customers could always upgrade to the “Grab ‘em by the Porches Package” where for an extra $2 million you get thirty minutes to “have your way” with Eric.

As this issue goes to print, eyewitnesses confirm seeing the former president near the offices of the New York Attorney General on the corner of Liberty and Broadway with a squeeze bottle and newspaper wiping down windshields — Apparently, he hadn’t accounted for the processing fee.

Miscellaneous

• Walmart is adding high-end products to more than 800 locations in a bid to lure wealthier shoppers. When asked how wealthy a clientele they’re trying to attract, a spokesperson said, “we don’t want to brag, but let’s just say they have an above ground pool.” 

• Someone has 1,370,044 McDonald’s loyalty points on the app, the chain’s most loyal customer by a margin of 400,000 points, according to a McDonald’s marketing director. The customer could exchange their points for 913 vanilla cones, equivalent to $3,644 — It’s nice to hear after everything that went down things still turned out alright for Chris Christie.

• Shigeichi Negishi, the inventor of the karaoke machine, died at age 100. Without Negishi, you may have never learned that your 58-year-old boss is too sexy for his shirt. 

• A new study suggests education might slow the pace of aging. Which would explain why just one year after recent book bans, this is a Florida third grade class:

  

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