Crier Quotes

“Wait, what do you mean, ‘he’s back’?”
- Satan

Trending News

A bill passed in West Virginia will allow residents to distill up to five gallons of moonshine. They drew the line at five gallons because lawmakers didn’t want West Virginians to have more gallons of moonshine than teeth. 

An autopsy of Flaco the owl revealed before crashing into a building Flaco had been exposed to four different rat poisons and had a severe case of pigeon herpes that had damaged his brain, liver, spleen, and other organs. A beloved figure riddled with poison and venereal disease, Flaco will be fondly remembered as our generation’s Ben Franklin. 

Biologists in Tokyo observed birds called Japanese tits fluttering their wings to convey something like “go ahead” or “after you” when they wanted their partner to enter the nest first—the first evidence of non-primate animals making a gesture that conveys a specific message. The team of male researchers say the signs were unmistakable as it’s very clear when “a pair of Japanese tits gives you the go ahead.” 

Feature

New Girlfriend’s Cat Unsure “The Fuck You Think You’re Looking At”

Tensions ran high early Thursday evening as local cat, and ardent defender of your new girlfriend Becca, Pawb Ross, was unsure “the fuck you think you’re looking at.” 

While you’ve been dating Becca for almost three months, you can’t shake the feeling that every time you walk into her apartment Pawb is somewhere, watching, and more likely than not, plotting. 

“Something wrong with your eye, boy?” the eyes of the four-year-old American shorthair question as perched atop his cat tower, he sharpens his claws. “What’s funny to me is you looking over here, act’n like I know you. Because brother, let me drop some knowledge on you: I was here long before you, and Imma be here eight lives after you’re gone. So do me a favor and take all that psss pss psss bull-spit somewhere else.”

“He’s really very friendly,” Becca tells you as she tousles Pawb's well-manicured mane, “he just needs some time to warm up to you.” A sweet sentiment, but one you and Pawb both know couldn’t be further from the truth, as all attempts to bond with Pawb have been as successful as the Hindenburg. 

As this issue goes to print, you swear on everything you hold dear that as you and Becca walked out the door, you felt his eyes on you. You turned back to look, and there he was, sitting on the window sill, eyes like twin daggers. As your eyes met, he dragged a single outstretched claw across his throat. 

Miscellaneous

• This week, the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore collapsed after one of its pillars was struck by a container ship. Some speculate the whole thing could’ve been avoided had there been just one woman on board to tell the captain it wasn’t going to fit. 

• The theme of the White House Easter Egg Roll is EGGucation. The Biden administration says children in attendance will certainly learn a lot at the event as the soaring price of chocolate means that this year the eggs are stuffed with classified documents.

• The $1.1 billion Mega Millions jackpot was won on Tuesday night by a single ticket sold in New Jersey. Collecting your lottery winnings is a little different in New Jersey —as winners have the option of installment payments, lump sum, or lifetime supply of Gabagool. 

• Punxsutawney Phil, the psychic groundhog, just welcomed two babies with his rodent wife, Phyllis. No one was more shocked than Phil after seeing the newborns — because it was at that moment that Phyllis told him about her “one night” with DeAndre. 

• Neolithic canoes discovered in Italian lake after 7,000 years. It’s hard to say for sure, but anthropologists guess the canoes were places of quiet for neolithic Italians because they had to be paddled by hand.  

• Louie, a raccoon from Florida, was named the 2024 Cadbury Bunny. Cadbury says what sealed the deal for Louie was when they found out that on top of embodying the ideals of the Cadbury Bunny, the raccoon also runs a local Florida day care.

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