Crier Quotes

“I can still put my legs behind my head . . . If you’re into that sort of thing.”
- Jean-Claude Van Damme

Trending News

On Friday, a 4.8 magnitude earthquake shook New York City. Coincidentally, tremors were felt shortly after the start of the Javits Center fundraiser — “Hopscotch Against Obesity”

OpenAI began previewing its new program, Voice Engine, which can copy a human voice from a 15-second recording. The makers of ChatGPT say Voice Engine is going to revolutionize the way we scam grandma. 

Disney announced Toy Story 5 will hit theaters in 2026. The plot remains a secret, but insiders say a large part of the film focuses on getting and keeping the now 40-year-old Woody upright.

Feature

Sen. Bernie Sanders Introduces Bill Mandating Mid-Day Siesta

On Wednesday, Sen. Bernie Sanders introduced new legislation requiring American companies institute policy mandating mid-day siestas for all employees. Presenting his case on the senate floor, the Vermont senator asked his colleagues “what the hell do you get done in the hour and a half after lunch anyway?” Adding, “You get back to your desk, you sit down, and you can feel the blood rushing to your stomach to handle the pastrami situation you got brewing down there. Then, for some reason, fifteen minutes later you get up and walk to the fridge or the pantry. So now you’re there with your hand on the door, staring, and you think, ‘what the hell am I looking in here for? I’m not hungry, how can I be hungry? I just ate. And that’s when you realize you don’t know where your keys are. So you shout to your secretary, you say, ‘Sherryl! Have you seen my keys! I don’t know where my keys are!’ And she yells back, ‘They’re in the bowl by the door! They’re always in the bowl by the door!’ And the next thing you know its 3:30. That’s why I say to hell with it.” The Senator’s “Give Me a Friggin Break and Let Me Close My Eyes for Two Seconds Will Yah? Act” is scheduled for a vote on the Senate floor Thursday at 1:30pm, just after lunch. 

Miscellaneous

• A new study indicates living with parents reduces birth rates. The study was published in the journal of “Oh My God, MOM, Don’t You Ever Knock!?” 

• Costco announced Tuesday plans to offer a weight loss program to members. Executives at Costco feel slightly responsible for the rise in obesity in recent years due to the fact that its minimum serving size is “tub.” 

• The National Centre for Scientific Research, France’s state-run science agency, has warned that Camembert, brie and even blue cheeses “could disappear,” owing to a decline in the strains of fungi that give the beloved cheeses their unique taste, smell, color and texture. But there’s hope as cheese-oologists say they might be able to replicate the fungus by leaving the cheese to ferment in the basement of a frat. 

• Since the US Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade in 2022, more women have been crossing the border to Mexico for abortion medications and procedures. In Mexico, the procedure is known as “el reverse smuggle.” 

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