Crier Quotes

“Every summer, I challenge that sombitch Jon Voight to a mud wrestle in my front yard. The coward hasn’t shown up in 48 years.”
- Kathy Bates

Trending News

After her success in Barbie, Margot Robbie announced she will produce a movie based on the game Monopoly. Robbie’s supporting cast hasn’t been finalized, but it’s rumored that Danny DeVito plays the thimble. 

The Russian Republic of Chechnya banned public performances of music considered too fast or too slow. The ban was proposed by three Chechen law makers who are definitely not bears.

In a post about his court appearance on Truth Social, former president Donald Trump said he will be “forced to sit, gagged, before a highly conflicted and corrupt judge, whose hatred for me has no bounds.” Coincidentally, the quote is verbatim what he said for “turn ons” in Playgirl magazine 1997. 

Feature

New Menthol Flavored Cotton Candy Help Teens Kick Vaping

There’s a new product proving invaluable in the fight against teen vaping — Fairy Floss Cotton Clouds. Heralded as a major step towards curbing the teen vaping epidemic, Cotton Clouds provides teens the same cotton candy taste and rush they love, now with a cool menthol finish.

Cotton Clouds is proven to kill the urge to vape with its patented formula blending acetaldehyde, acrolein, lead, nicotine, xanthan gum, and formaldehyde. And, with only 435 grams of sugar per serving, teens and parents agree, it’s a godsend. “I used constantly get calls from school saying Asher was caught cutting class to vape the bathroom, but ever since we discovered Cotton Clouds, his urges are gone, and so are the phone calls home. I can’t imagine what we would do without it.”

13-year-old Mason Brooks, a Phoenix, Arizona, middle schooler, told us he battled with vaping, trying to quit for years to no avail. Then he found Cotton Clouds. “Ever since that first pull at the back of the bus in fifth grade, I’ve chased that feeling. I couldn’t help myself. But when my pediatrician told me I had the lung capacity of an elderly ferret, I knew I had to quit,” said Brooks while packing his fourth fat wad of Cotton Clouds under his bottom lip, “So I tried everything: gum, patches, Zyn. But nothing compares to this shit. And the best part is, after just three months of Cotton Clouds, I can now get up two whole flights of stairs without needing to catch my breath! That’s why I tell all my friends, say hello to Cotton Clouds, and good riddance to vapes.”

Cotton Clouds currently comes in a variety of kid-friendly flavors: Classic Cotton Candy, Raspberry Razzmatazz, Extreme Blueberry, and Wango Tango Banana Mango — all accompanied by a smooth menthol aftertaste that makes you feel like you’ve just ripped your favorite vape.

At the printing of this newsletter, Fairy Floss announced an exclusive Cotton Cloud advertising deal with TikTok, featuring some of the biggest influencers on the platform. Only time will tell, but this outlet is optimistic that the end of teen vaping is near.

Miscellaneous

• New research suggests you can reduce anger by writing your reaction to a negative event down and then shredding them — In light of this, organizers say you’ll find paper shredders conveniently located in this year’s voting booths.

• A firefighter in Florida was arrested for exposing himself to a woman in a Seven Eleven. The firefighter plans to refute the charge on account the woman said it was her dream to hold a fireman’s hose. 

• According to a new report, Lunchables aren’t safe for kids as they contain hormone disrupting chemicals and high levels of lead. The scientists first concluded Lunchables weren’t good for kids to eat through a highly scientific process called sight. 

• Target has launched a paid membership program in a bid to compete with Amazon Prime and Walmart+. Although, it can get pricy, as numerous customers say they went in on a Target membership and somehow came out with eight more memberships. 

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