#12

Crier Quotes

“None for me. I’m a vegetarian”- Genghis Khan

Feature

Don't Hate the Player - Hate the Game

The Lede:

Well, it looks like it's that time again. This week, the National Toy Hall of Fame announced its finalists for this year's induction.

Who made the cut?

Twelve lucky toys are still in the running for the three spots available. While all are hopeful, our insiders tell us that it's really a four-horse race where one will be left on the outside looking in.

Battleship made the grade as it was the only game on the list you can strip to. Each member of the Hall of Fame committee could hark back to a night that saw sparks fly as pegs went into holes. One committee member noted, "I sunk her battleship, then my submarine rose."

Risk is still in contention as it is both durable and educational. A recent study ranked Risk at number two in surviving "temper tantrum board flips" behind Monopoly. The committee also factored in the essential life lessons learned from attempting global domination. Risk teaches children the value of the sociopathic ruthlessness needed to achieve their goals and the drug-like euphoria of watching the life drain out of an opponent's eyes as they meekly roll their last defense against your vastly superior army and ultimately hand over their cards in defeat. Most importantly, though, children learn the futility of a two-front advancement - a lesson the committee holds in high esteem, saying, "Had Hitler grew up playing Risk, we'd all be living in a very different world."

The Piñata still has a chance. While commonly associated with Mexican culture, the object may date back to early 13th century China - where it was used to scout young talent in search of its next generation of executioners. The decision to have the piñata inducted is fraught with tension as some toys are calling it a "diversity thing."

Finally, Sand, you read that right, sand got the nod. When we asked sand about the nomination, sand told us:

Who got snubbed?

While those four still have life, the same cannot be said for the hundreds of others that will have to wait till next year, including these three:

The Atomic Laboratory Kit didn't cut the mustard this time around. Committee members said the decision to leave the '60s stalwart out was two-fold. First, the atomic lab kit contained four types of active uranium ore. Second, the committee members were hesitant to immortalize a toy that might encourage young girls to get into STEM.

A Sock Filled with D Batteries got the chop. While a classic toy choice of inner-city youths, the committee gave it the kibosh due to its loose association with prison violence.

Finally, Chutes and Ladders missed the mark. The committee felt the soul-crushing lesson that no matter how hard you try in life you are always one random wrong step away from having it all taken away from you was "too real." Also, an exposé published in The Atlantic showed how the game board setup was skewed across racial lines as white children played on a board made predominantly of ladders while black children played on a board made predominantly made of chutes.

Miscellaneous

• An annual study by the Annenberg Center found 56% of Americans were able to name all three branches of government. When asked why they couldn’t name the branches, the other 44% said, “What do I look like, an idiot? Our government is made of people, not trees!”

• Three former presidents - Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama - are supporting Welcome.US, a new coalition supporting Afghan refugees as they settle in the United States. When asked why they support the coalition, all three men said, “guilt.”

• In an attempt to bring “positive vibes to the doom and gloom out there,” a Texas lawyer was arrested for walking on a beach dressed as “Halloween” nightmare Michael Myers - the lawyer said he’d thought about whether or not he should carry out the plan for weeks. By then, too much time had passed and under Texas law, it was too late to abort.

• Genetics startup Colossal raised $15 million to create a woolly mammoth-elephant hybrid - Colossal said the mammoth hybrid will have the same look and feel as the original mammoth but get better gas mileage.

• The Wall Street Journal reported tech companies are working to give emojis a refresh and expand emoji options as American workers stay home with little face-to-face interaction. Executives at Microsoft say they are this close to perfecting the “This could’ve been an email” eye roll and the “There might be wine in this coffee mug” shrug.

• A new study suggests men may sleep worse during the waxing period of the lunar cycle - which lasts roughly seven days. As we all know, poor sleep can lead to daytime irritability - So ladies, whenever you find your man to be unreasonably irritable, you can now say, “Well, I guess it’s just that time of the month.”

• Labor shortages across the country have hit public school districts hard this year. So much so that school districts in Missouri are dropping previous requirements to become a substitute teacher - Which would explain why Missouri has become the most requested state for relocated priests.

• An extremely rare official first-edition printed copy of the US Constitution will be put up for auction in mid-November. “You.. don’t.. saaaayyyy” said Nicholas Cage.