Crier Quotes

“I’m not Daniel Radcliffe.”
- Elijah Wood

Trending News

Writers for Sesame Street and their management reached a tentative three-year agreement late Friday, just ahead of a looming deadline for a union-authorized strike. Management knew the writers were serious about going on strike after a rejection of their first offer was brought to them by the letters F and U. 

A Japanese diaper maker announced that it will stop producing diapers for babies and, instead, focus on the market for adults. And to give the new line a more international appeal, the company is calling it “The Presidential.” 

The world’s first AI beauty pageant will judge AI-generated contestants competing for the title of “Miss AI.” The pageant is sponsored by loneliness. 

Feature

Unsure Nation Asks if it Sell By or Use By?

A wave of panic swept the nation Wednesday morning as it was yet again confronted by the age old quandary, sell by or use by?

“Oh, jeez, not again,” murmured the nation as it contemplated the ramifications of consuming what is now nine days past the labeled date. “What was it Uncle Tommy used to say, ‘Sell by, give it a try. Use by, prepare to die.’ Or was it the other way around?” The jittery nation weighed its options, noting the nine days beyond the label could mean either being well within the safe zone or teetering on the brink of guttural A-bomb.

In the end, the nation did what it always does — the thing that makes it the greatest nation in the world — close its eyes and hope for the best. 

Unfortunately, this time the nation's gamble failed spectacularly. The sounds of a violently ill populace echoed from restrooms across the land, punctuated by frantic shouts of "Occupado!" as coworkers pounded on stall doors. Those unable to secure a lavatory were left, pleading for respite to their respective God, but received no answer. 

Miscellaneous

• Salt Lake City is getting an NHL team next season, but owner Ryan Smith isn’t sure what they’ll be called, saying in an interview, “It will be ‘Utah Something.’” When asked for his advice, the owner of the state’s NBA team said, “do what I did, and name it after something Utah is known for, you know, like Jazz.” 

• A McDonalds billboard in the Netherlands defuses the smell of its French fries. Said one tourist in Amsterdam, “either I’m smelling fries or the mushrooms just hit.” 

• Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport has installed a kiosk that prints free pre-flight short stories. Including classics such as, The Story of an Hour Delay, and Why God? Why?

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