Crier Quotes

“Most of what I know I learned from watching Inspector Gadget.”
- Post Malone

This week in the UK, KFC released its first perfume. The limited-edition No 11 Eau de BBQ is concocted with smoky wood and charcoal notes. For maximum effect, liberally apply to breasts and thighs. 

A wild male orangutan in Indonesia made headlines after he was observed applying a medicinal paste to a scrape on his face. It's the first documented example of an animal self-medicating a wound using a plant with healing properties. The orangutan has since capitalized on the newfound fame, striking a deal with Neutrogena for a new line of skin care products — Monkey See Monkey Renew.

A Florida man is charged with throwing pasta with sauce at another driver during a road rage incident. Best part about this story is how you started reading it and not once did you stop to think that this could only have happened had he already been driving while eating a bowl of pasta. As soon as you read “Florida Man” you were like “you son of a bitch, I’m in.” And, honestly, I respect it.


Prom Offers Millions of Young Girls First Experience with Disappointment 

According to a newly published survey from the University of Southern Indiana, senior prom continues to offer millions of young girls around the country their first chance to experience disappointment. 

“According to our findings, a majority of American women can trace their first truly bitter taste of their expectations shattered by reality back to prom night,” said research team lead Veronica Smith-Greene, "The experience is a vital first step in transitioning young women from the innocence of high school to the demoralizing real world that awaits.”

Among the 31 million survey participants, 65 percent said their date got too drunk at the after-party, causing an embarrassing scene that forced them to apologize for their date on their behalf — On the bright side, 91 percent of those said in a follow-up question that the experience prepared them for when they would later make a similar apology on behalf of their spouse after he gets ejected from the stands for heckling a little league umpire. 71 percent of women responded either “partially” or “entirely” to the question “Did you spend the night fighting, crying, or both with your best friend in the bathroom?” And 88% of women surveyed said prom night was the first time they used the lie it was “good for me too.”

“It’s a rite of passage,” said local mom Paige Philips, getting emotional as she thought about her daughter, “the first night a girl learns what it means to be a woman — to dream big then eventually settle.” “I’m sorry,” she added, fanning what she called “happy tears” from her eyes, “it's just so magical.” 

Smith-Greene said she and her team would continue their research by studying the extraordinary female ability to continue to “WOO!” during a bachelorette weekend even though it's the third day and all they want to do is die. 


  • Sports Bra — an Oregon sports bar that focuses on and shows only women’s athletics — has plans to expand across the country through a franchise model. The most popular seats at any Sports Bra bar are the booths, which patrons say are made for both comfort and support. 

  • Researchers at the University of Cambridge have recreated the face of a 75,000-year-old Neanderthal woman after reassembling skull fragments found in an Iraqi cave. To everyone’s surprise, the woman bore a striking resemblance to Gary Busey.

  • Former President Trump has continually complained about the temperature in the courtroom during his ongoing hush money trial, calling the courtroom a “freezing cold ice box.” In fact, its so cold in the courtroom that just to get out of there early his nipples pleaded guilty. 

  • On Wednesday, McDonald’s confirmed that its teams around the world are working on rolling out a “'larger,” more “satiating burger.” McDonald’s CEO says the team is working on the project code named “Bite Me, Ozempic.”

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