Crier Quotes

“I don’t do it because I have to. I do it because I want to”
- Josh Gad on grave robbing 

Trending News

In honor of Mother’s Day, Panda Express is offering a $30 Mother’s Day family meal — It’s the best way to tell mom “we forgot.” 

Russian president Vladimir Putin was inaugurated for another six year term. Putin and his team celebrated the moment with his favorite champagne toast — “you first.” 

The CDC announced tighter restrictions for anyone looking to bring a dog into the US, in an effort to help prevent the spread of rabies. The CDC said owners will need to provide evidence that the dog has been properly vaccinated before its granted entry. If not, customs agents will detain the dog where it will then receive several shots from Kristi Noem. 

Feature

Face of James Gandolfini Appears on Italian Bread at Newark Deli

Droves of tracksuit-wearing Italian Americans flocked to local Newark delicatessen, Don Rosco’s, Tuesday to pay their “how you doin'?"s to a loaf of Italian bread that miraculously bore the mug of actor James Gandolfini. 

“It was like sometin’ outta the movies,” said owner of Don Rosco’s, Angelo Lombardi, “One second it's a normal day, I’m stocking the breadbasket, then BAM! Staring up a me is the big man himself. I says to myself, ‘Ave Maria, the king has returned.’”

From morning til night, Don Rocco’s was buzzing. From bag boys to consiglieres, wiseguys, and goombahs from all corners of the Garden State, as well as parts of Staten Island and Long Island, made the pilgrimage to gaze upon the loaf, which was prominently displayed on a bed of lettuce, flanked by a colorful assortment of meats and cheeses. Few could keep themselves from falling to their knees as they crossed themselves in the name of the Father, the Son, and Gaba Ghoul. Many openly wept. Rumor has it the Archbishop himself had reached out, interested in arranging a private viewing.

“The most beautiful thing I’d ever friggin’ seen,” said Paulie “The Nose” DiFalco, “I had to look away, you know, outta respect. From what I hear, it’s a sign. A new Godfather will be born soon. But, you didn’t get that from me. Capisce.” 

Not long after the news of the visitation broke, a closed-door council was convened. Shortly after, the word was put out that Don Rosco’s was now marked as neutral ground and anyone who dared touch the sacred bread risks “losing more than a finger.”

Miscellaneous

• According to a Mental Floss report, the most common last name in America is “Smith” — “Not for long” said Nick Cannon. 

• The judge presiding over former President Donald Trump’s hush money trial has fined him an additional $1,000 for again violating a gag order barring him from making inflammatory comments about witnesses and jurors and warned that additional gag order violations could potentially result in jail time. The judge said if that doesn’t work, he’ll have no choice but to roll up magazine and spank him

• According to Axios, America is experiencing a marathon boom, with people young and old going the distance. The outlet says the boom is accompanied by an identical increase in the number of coworkers whom you know far too much about their nipples. 

• An Atlanta strip club had its safes cut into when two masked burglars entered the business through the ceiling and stole a quarter of a million dollars. Authorities in Atlanta are now asking local businesses for help tracking down the money. They say you can tell the difference between singles that have been stuffed in a strippers G-string and those that haven’t because on those that have Washington is smiling. 

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