#124

Crier Quotes

“I know a great barber if you need one.”
- Kim Jong Un

You can now get your hands on Reese’s new Olympics-inspired peanut butter cups for the Summer games. In the US, Olympic Reese’s are shaped like medals — and in Russia, they’re shaped like syringes. 

This year, The NFL will hold Christmas matchups with the Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans. The games will stream exclusively on Netflix. So this year, get ready to receive that salutary text — Netflix and chili? 

President Biden and former President Trump have agreed to a pair of debates hosted by CNN and ABC. When they heard they landed the first debate, folks at CNN got so excited Wolf Blitzered himself. The pair are still negotiating over Biden’s other debate condition – that microphones be cut by the moderators when speaking past their allowed response time. The hold up is over a last minute addition by the Biden campaign that states if a candidate tries to continue on by shouting, they’ll have little person standing in the podium punch you in the nuts. 

Feature

Tulane University Award Honorary Degree in Proctology to Sir Mix-a-Lot

Praising his unparalleled depth of knowledge and extensive contributions to the field, the Dean of Tulane University School of Medicine, Dr. L. Lee Hamm, awarded Sir Mix-a-Lot an honorary degree in proctology. 

“No one has done more for the study of the posterior than our honoree. A man who crawled so that Kim Kardashian could walk,” said Dean Hamm, “for decades, Sir Mix-a-Lot has been on the bubble's edge. Not only has he brought desperately needed awareness to thick, juicy doubles across the globe, but the willingness — nay — the unbridled joy with which he rolls up his sleeves and gets his hands dirty out in the field is without question an example all our students should follow.”

Addressing the graduates and their families, Sir Mix-a-Lot said that as a young man he “had a dream” that “one day, we might live in a world where the number one injury among men would be neck strain from turning back to catch a glimpse of what just walked by. A world where a chick can lose her wallet, her keys, and her phone just by putting them in her back pocket. A world where a son brings a girl to the cookout that makes his granddad weep and his father shakes his hand.”

While Mix-a-Lot says he is proud to receive the honor, he told graduates that he stands “on the buttocks of giants,” adding, “To all the women who have put in the work. To the five AM warriors and the late-night grinders. To the women who when they walk in the gym make the StairMaster tremble — I say thank you. It is because of you that the state of the booty is truly strong — and never in my life would I ever think I’d say this, but even the white ones got it goin’ on!” 

“So I stand before you today, honored and truly humbled,” said Mix-a-Lot, concluding his remarks, “to have witnessed, in just my lifetime, the incredible strides we’ve made as a society — from pancake flat to packing so much back you could see it from the front. God bless you. God bless America. And stay sprung.”

As Sir Mix-a-Lot left the lectern, all in attendance clapped — many without using their hands.    

Miscellaneous

  • As part of its new ad campaign, the Biden administrations is targeting seniors by advertising during the Price is Right. The campaign features a distressed Biden on the floor of the Oval Office shouting, “Help! I’ve fallen in the polls and can’t get up!”

  • Over 150 Bavarian men came together to compete in Germany’s unique national championship of “Fingerhakeln,” or finger wrestling. This year’s winner said he owed his incredible finger strength to months of practicing with his wife. 

  • A 62-year-old man who received the first-ever pig kidney transplant two months ago at Massachusetts General Hospital has died. Per the man’s final wish, his eulogy will end with “eh tha-thee-eh-tha-thee-eh-tha-thee that’s all folks!”

  • A Vermont university has bestowed the honorary degree of “doctor of litter-ature” on Max the cat, a beloved member of its community. On Monday, Max will defend his thesis, titled, “A Felineist Critique of The Lion King as Seen Through a Meowchiavellian Lens.”

  • Alfred “Al” Blaschke has officially reclaimed his status as the world’s oldest person to tandem skydive. Al was 106 years 327 days old – over three years older than the previous record – at the time of his jump. Not only is he the oldest person to sky dive he’s also the only person to land nearly ten seconds before their skin. Al said the best part is just before jumping when he tells everyone in the plane “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!”

*Editor’s note: No issue next week as I’ll be on vacation. Back with another edition of the Crier on Sunday, June 2nd.

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