Crier Quotes

“I once Lady and the Tramped a Fruit By The Foot with an iguana named Maxwell.”
- Liza Minnelli 

A New York jury found former President Donald Trump guilty of all 34 counts related to falsifying business records in the hush-money trial against him. Sentencing is scheduled for July 11, where he could become the first person ever sentenced to four years of White House-arrest. 

98-year-old Dick Van Dyke is reportedly looking into touring a one-man-show. In fact, Van Dyke has inspired several nonagenarian actors to join him including Clint Eastwood, Mel Brooks, William Shatner, and James Earl Jones in a series they’re calling The Enlarged Prostate Monologues.


Miracle-Gro Partners with Nick Cannon on New Super Seed Fertilizer 

In a groundbreaking collaboration, Miracle-Gro has joined forces with Nick Cannon to introduce their latest innovation: the "Super Seed" fertilizer. This partnership aims to revolutionize gardening by combining Miracle-Gro's expertise in lawn care with Cannon's expertise in creating life.

Jim Hagedorn, Chairman and CEO of Miracle-Gro, expressed enthusiasm about the collaboration, stating, “It may come as a surprise to some, but Nick is no stranger to a hoe. He tells me every weekend he’s waist-deep in a bush. Gardening is in this man’s DNA, and we are excited to spread his seed across lawns from coast to coast.”

Cannon's Seed, a key component of the new fertilizer, boasts roots that penetrate deep into the soil, promoting stronger, healthier plants. In a user test, lawns treated with Cannon's Seed have shown remarkable results, with grass growing fuller, thicker, and up to 10 times faster than those treated with other brands.

“The secret is in the application process,” says Chief Scientist Brian Birrenkott, “See, most lawn seed is distributed with a spreader or mixed with water and sprayed through a hose, but the Super Seed is different. Using a conventional tire pump, fill the sack containing the seed until it’s firm, then slap to activate. Then pull the release tab and step back as Cannon’s seed shoots across your lawn.”  

To celebrate the launch, Miracle-Gro and Cannon are hosting a nationwide tour, stopping in towns across the country for one night, where fans can meet Cannon and sample the new product firsthand. Attendees are encouraged to bring their own seed sacks for a personalized pumping session with Cannon, ensuring their lawns get the superstar treatment.


  • According to a recent report, Florida is the shark attack capital of the world. Which is probably why the state is also leading the world in citizens whose last words are “this seal suit is hilarious, let’s get me out in the open ocean!” 

  • Netflix is reportedly developing a series of new music-competition shows, with one series described as “Love is Blind meets The Voice.” It’s called Tone is Deaf.

  • The French Open banned spectators from drinking alcohol in the stands after a series of reports of disruptive behavior. While they’ve gotten rid of alcohol, officials say they have no plan to outlaw fans from enjoying the time-honored French Open tradition of cigarettes after sets. 

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