Crier Quotes

“When I was in college and had a guy over, I’d hang his neck tie on the door knob, and after getting a look, I’d adjust the length it hung so my roommates would know what we were working with.”
- Jane Fonda

Trending News

After 41 seasons, Pat Sajak’s final episode of Wheel of Fortune aired Friday. Sajak said he plans to retire in Hawaii, where he’ll set up a stand on the beach asking passersby if they’d “like to buy a towel?” 

Delta, United, and American Airlines are pushing cheap, no-frills tickets to fight back against ultra-low-cost rivals Frontier and Spirit. When asked for comment, an executive at Spirit seemed unfazed, saying, “you don’t fly Spirit for the low fare, you fly Spirit for the danger.”

The owner of the world's biggest fossilized poop collection has opened a museum in Arizona called the Poozeum — which is much better than its original — Shit Show. 

Feature

DEA Classifies Scented Markers as “Gateway Drug”

Communities across the country are on high alert after the Drug Enforcement Agency officially classified scented markers as a gateway drug. The DEA warns parents to be vigilant and look out for signs of maker abuse, including slurred speech, lack of coordination, and frequent unprovoked nose bleeds. 

According to a recent Quinnipiac University poll analysis, eighteen percent of elementary schoolers say they sniff up to three packs a week and sixty-eight percent say they sniff one pack a week, while two-thirds of all elementary schoolers have tried sniffing “at least once.” However, when asked to describe their relationship with sniffing, a majority of respondents, aged 7-11, said they would consider themselves “Social Sniffers” — only sniffing when at a sleepover after they’ve had a few Capri Suns.

DEA officials say they were compelled to act after the recent surge in popularity of a dangerous TikTok challenge known as “snorkeling” — where someone is held upside down by their ankles with a marker stuffed in each nostril. Emergency room visits have gone up by an average of 17% year over year since 2019.   

While some community advocates say a strict “no sniff” policy should be enforced at schools, others believe schools should provide rooms for “safe sniffing” where at least it is supervised under the care of medical professionals. "It's all fun and games until someone starts huffing a permanent marker," said concerned parent, Margaret Johnson. “You say it’s fine and they’re just experimenting, but I was at the park with my son the other day and a five-year-old came out from underneath the slide saying she’d let me ‘got my nose’ for a scratch-and-sniff. Is that the world we want to live in?” 

Not all agree with Mrs. Johnson’s sentiment, as a counter-movement, “See No Evil Smell No Evil,” argues that scented markers are a childhood staple and warns against the dangers of an overly sanitized upbringing. 

Since the announcement, a class action lawsuit has been filed against Walmart and Mr. Sketch, claiming the two colluded to push the product with prime display locations during back-to-school sales and eye-level placement at checkout counters. Neither Walmart nor Mr. Sketch responded directly to our requests for comment, but a spokesperson for Mr. Sketch did clarify that it is by no means an admission of guilt that the company is now labeling boxes with “Sniff Responsibly.” 

Miscellaneous

• A musical based on Dolly Parton's life in the works for a 2026 Broadway debut. Broadway insiders say “Hello, I’m Dolly” is hotly anticipated and the lead is a lock for the Tony Award for Breast Actress. 

• Embattled New Jersey Democratic Sen. Bob Menendez has filed to run for reelection as an independent even as he is on trial on federal bribery charges. Campaigning will be easy for Menendez — all he needs to do is slap his name on lawn signs currently outside homes that read “For Sale.”  

• A new survey reports half Americans think they are out of touch with pop culture. Specifically, the half that says “the” before Facebook.

• Bob Kelley, founder of Kelley Blue Book, passed this week at the age of 96. While saddened by their loss, the family says they feel Kelley would be proud to know they got a friggin’ steal on a casket with only one previous owner. 

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week’s issue and want to support future editions, please share it!

If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.

Follow on Instagram