Crier Quotes

“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!”
- Kristi Noem

Trending News

A Florida man was arrested for walking around his neighborhood fully nude. The man faces up to a year in jail for exposure of a sexual organ and a fine by the Homeowner’s Association for an overgrown bush.

A federal jury found Hunter Biden guilty Tuesday on all three federal felony gun charges. While it seems grim now, Hunter may actually profit off the conviction, as the Bravo network has optioned a new reality show where he and Trump are cellmates — called “Orange is the New Crack.” 

Wednesday was the annual Congressional baseball game. Republicans and Democrats say the reason they play baseball is because it requires the same skills set as Congress — namely, cheating, stealing, and robbing.

Feature

If Re-Elected, Biden Promises Drastic Cuts to Malarkey 

With the election less than six months away, President Biden placed a huge bet this week, promising that if re-elected, he would commit his administration to taking bold and immediate action to cut the malarkey.

Central to the Biden administration’s efforts will be closing existing loopholes around malarkey including acts of poppycock, balderdash, monkey business, hooey, baloney, tomfoolery, and humbuggery.

“My administration will not tolerate malarkey in any form, foreign or domestic. The American people deserve better,” said Biden. “And if you think I’m afraid to do it, try me, because I’ll turn this country right around, Jack. Go ahead, make my day.”

According to a Pew Research Center study, government malarkey is up an astounding 3,000% in the 24 years since the turn of the millennium: a worrisome statistic that the administration aims to tackle head-on. “If malarkey is allowed to exist at the federal level, it trickles down to the states, cities, and municipalities, and this administration won’t stand for it,” said Chief of Staff Jeff Zientz. Zientz says the administration’s “Just Say No-Nonsense” initiative outlines a clear path to swiftly and decisively “cut it out before someone gets hurt.”

Legal analysts wonder if Biden’s promised cuts are constitutional, with many believing any action taken by the administration will almost certainly be challenged in the courts. Emily Radner, Associate Professor of Fundamentals of Lawyering at George Washington University, says any potential Supreme Court case would likely hinge on which part of the Constitution the Justices believe takes precedence: the articles or the amendments. “While there is no specific, written delegation of malarkey oversight in the Constitution, a fact which would, in theory, reserve malarkey to the states, malarkey does considerably hamper the day-to-day efficiency of the government, which falls under the purview of the executive.”

Biden’s backers believe it is a strong step in the right direction, but some argue the administration isn’t going far enough, with loud condemnations from anti-malarkey groups such as Cool it Mister claiming the administration’s proposal still leaves blaring gaps in both hijinks and shenanigans. 

The administration’s 18,764-page proposal also makes no mention of hankey-pankey, and for good reason. Capitol Hill insiders confirm both House and Senate Democrats unanimously agree with their Republican colleagues that acts of hankey-pankey belong firmly to the Congress. As one congressman put it, “Clinton tried it. How’d that turn out for him?” 

Whether or not the administration can sell No Nonsense remains to be seen, but one thing is certain — on November 5th, Americans will decide if Biden’s ideas for the future are horse sense or hogwash.

Miscellaneous

• A popular tourist destination in China has installed toilet timers to keep people moving. The trick is, they never tell you what happens when the clock hits zero. That way, you’re scared shitless.  

• The Biden administration is reportedly reaching out to seniors with pickleball fundraisers. At every senior pickleball fundraiser, the administration makes sure there are extra paddles on hand — some for hitting balls, and others for saying “CLEAR!”   

• Usher went to the Capitol this week as part of his efforts to spur attention and legislation for diabetes screenings and prevention. Female lawmakers meeting with the R&B star told Usher they had a hard time understanding his arguments, but it might help “if you take your shirt off.” 

• According to reports, there is a shortage of Zyn nicotine pouches. Economists warn it could have a major impact on the financial industry as it’s the only thing keeping hungover first-year analysts alive. 

• A restaurant in St. Louis has set a new policy in which it isn’t serving women under 30 and men under 35. The way they enforce the policy is simple — they don’t look at your ID, instead, they ask a simple and straightforward question — when you wake up, does your back hurt? 

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week’s issue and want to support future editions, please share it!

If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.

Follow on Instagram