Crier Quotes

“There is nothing, I think, more unfortunate than to have soft, chubby, fat-looking children.”
- John F. Kennedy 

Trending News

The first presidential debate between President Biden and former President Trump will take place Thursday. Check your channel guide for “The Tortoise and the Hair: I Know You Are But What Am I?” 

Russian President Vladimir Putin and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un signed an agreement to provide mutual aid if either one faced aggression. After Putin and Kim made their relationship official, the leader of Iran change his status to “Its complicated.” 

Hooters launched a new line of frozen foods. It’s unclear how they did it, but when you put it in the microwave, the chicken strips. 

Feature

Surgeon General Asks Congress to add Warning: Craft Beer May Lead to Facial Hair

At a press conference Wednesday, US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, called on Congress to require labels on craft beer bottles warning of their effects on American faces. 

Dr. Murthy said in light of newly published research from the University of Oregon, which proved beyond question the link between craft beer and facial hair growth, it would be irresponsible to stand back and do nothing as more Americans in their early 20s succumbs to its influence. 

“While a warning label wouldn’t stop the growth of unsightly facial hair, it would bring necessary awareness to the real risks of craft beer drinking,” Dr. Murthy stated.

To date, craft beer is said to be responsible for a combined 82% of all mutton chops, soul patches, fu Manchus, and Dalis, and a astounding 100% responsible for growing the Klingon, the Franz Josef, and the Hulihee. 

Experts in the field have echoed Dr. Murthy’s concerns. “A vast majority of craft beer drinkers begin growing facial hair ‘ironically,’ however, with time, the irony fades,” said John Hainesworth, director of facial hair studies at the University of Oregon, “soon, the craft beer drinker will find themselves seeking out various waxes and balms. Before long, they’ll develop an affinity for leather aprons, tiny beanies, and one-speed bikes. They’ll insist the best cheeses are the stinkiest and the only real way to appreciate music is on vinyl. This spiral will continue, getting stronger like a hurricane until they become a caricature. But it doesn’t have to be this way. If we act now, we can save countless Americans from getting into steam punk.”

The craft beer lobby has fought back, saying their product has a positive impact on drinkers, namely, giving a jawline and chin to those who otherwise would have one. “How many 6s would be 4s if it weren’t for the facial hair grown because of craft beer? If one out of every ten craft beer drinkers is twisting up his mustache ends like a vaudeville villain from the 1800s, well, I say that’s a small price to pay,” said a craft beer lobby spokesperson, “and last time I checked this is America, not communist China, if a man wants to grow an Old Dutch and suck down a liquid he’d likely describe as ‘Earthy,’ that’s his prerogative.”

Public reactions have been strong. “How many nice family photos have to be ruined before someone takes action?” lamented concerned Minnesota mother Susan Welch. “Look what they’ve done to my boy. My beautiful baby boy! How am I supposed to send a Christmas card with him looking like a store brand Jack Sparrow!”  

The National Association of Clean-Shaven Americans (NACSA) has backed the surgeon general, expressing in a public statement, “We stand with Dr. Murthy in urging Congress to act swiftly. The future of our nation’s faces is at stake.” 

While Dr. Murthy has brought the hidden dangers of craft beer drinking into the national spotlight, the ultimate responsibility lies with Congress to take decisive action. As the nation watches and waits, one thing is certain: the faces of our future depend on the decisions made today.

Miscellaneous

• Thursday marked the 184th anniversary of Samuel Morse patenting the telegraph. Morse’s first transmission is undeniably relatable: “Help. Stop. Trapped in Bathroom. Stop. Water Rising. Stop. Date asking if everything okay. Stop.”  

• A man in Florida discovered one million dollars worth of cocaine washed up on the beach. When authorities arrived, the man very excitedly reported finding $800k worth of cocaine.

• According to a new survey, 40 percent of respondents stretch to improve flexibility during sex. The other 60 percent say it’s better if they stay stiff. 

• Researchers say electrical currents delivered directly to the brain can reduce ‘love trauma syndrome’ — easing the pain of heartbreak. With any luck, they’ll soon be able to rid users of entire relationships, which is good news for anyone who’s been married to JLo. 

• More than 70 million people in the United States were under extreme heat alerts as a heat dome stretched across more than 14 states. It was so hot in New York City this week that in the weather app under air quality index it said “arm pit.” 

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