Crier Quotes

“OH. MY. GOD.”
- Janice 

Trending news

Drexel University researchers developed an algorithm that can identify AI-generated video content with 98% accuracy, representing the highest such percentage on the market. In response, AI-generating video software had this message for the Drexel algorithm — “010011000100110101011000101010010” — which roughly translates to “quit snitchin’ motherfucker.”

Drivers in New York can now choose from 12 custom license plate designs that match their Zodiac sign. That story again, you can now get license plates in New York that say “female driver.”

President Biden and former President Trump debated Thursday on CNN. After his performance, pundits on both sides questioned Biden’s mental acuity and whether he should step aside in the race. When asked for comment, Biden said he would’ve done better in the debate had it taken place, as he had asked, in 1987. Although he gave the stronger of the two performances, the former President didn’t get off Scott-free as shortly after leaving the debate stage Trump was hit with a felony charge for one count of elder abuse. 

Feature

Woman Torn Between Toxic Relationship and Opening Jars 

Local woman Amy Harris found herself in a place familiar to generations of women: caught between a gaslight and a vacuum-sealed lid. 

Harris’s relationship with her boyfriend, Jason, is fraught with issues. Whether insisting she never told him about dinner plans when she had, dictating who she can and cannot see, or refusing to contribute to household chores, life with Jason is a constant struggle. Yet, his ability to open jars keeps her tethered. 

“Sure, he can be a little controlling and maybe snoop through my phone once in a while,” Harris said, massaging her temples, “But every time I try to twist off a jar of marinara sauce, the longer it takes, the louder I can hear his voice in my head, saying, ‘You need me for this.’ And I know he’s right.” 

Friends have urged Harris to leave Jason, pointing out the numerous red flags. But the thought of facing her pantry alone gives her pause. “I know he’s bad for me, but the jars… who will open the jars!?” 

Harris admits her physical flame for Jason had extinguished months ago, but it’s thoughts of the jars that get her through. For Harris, the roughly three and a half minutes thrice monthly is a cakewalk as long as she focuses on the sound of the pop as the lid comes off. “Honestly,” said Harris, “it gets me there.” 

As Harris contemplated her next move, she eyed a stubborn jar of pickles. “I could use a knife, maybe bang it against the counter, but then I risk breaking the jar, and I just got my nails done,” she mused, frustration evident in her voice. “And I really need those pickles for my sandwiches. If I leave, how long am I to live without a good sandwich? Or Cheeseburgers? And what are tacos without salsa?”

As this issue goes to print, Jason had made a fatal misstep, buying Harris a Robo Twist Original electric jar opener. “See babe, all you have to do is push one button, and the lid comes right off. Now, you won’t have to keep nagging me to do it for you. Isn’t that great.” Harris smiled, “More than you know.” 

Miscellaneous

• Inspired by its Olympic debut later this summer, Japanese seniors are reportedly getting into break dancing. Before a throw down, it’s customary to wish opposing gangs “break a hip!”

• In a new article, Mental Floss investigates “Why Do We Say “PU” When Something Stinks?” Long story short, we say PU because it’s much more polite than, “Good Lord on High who shit themselves?”

• “Rodent Men”: A new term is catching on to describe a certain type of Hollywood actor that is very hot right now. Rumor has it, Warner Bros is developing a film staring all of Hollywood’s rodent men in a sexy casino caper called “Orkin’s Eleven.” 

• According to a YouTube survey, 65% of people between the ages of 14 and 24 consider themselves video creators. Interestingly enough, when the parents of that 65% were surveyed, 100% considered themselves disappointed. 

• Following the likes of Winnie the Pooh and Steamboat Willie, Popeye will enter the public domain in 2025. Undoubtably, the first thing the public will do with Popeye is show us how the sailor really got those forearms. 

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