Crier Quotes

“That’s my bread and butter.”
- Chris Christie 

Trending News

According to the Washington Post, student math scores still haven’t recovered from the pandemic. Between fall 2019 and 2022, national test scores sank nine points in math for 13-year-olds. Said one 13-year-old, “Yikes, that’s almost triple digits.” 

According to consulting firm Korn Ferry, labor participation among 16- to 24-year-olds has fallen due to a lack of interest in the job market. This cohort, Korn Ferry says, are referred to by economists as “NEETs,” which stands for “not in employment, education, or training,” and by parents as “LSBs,” which stands for “Lazy Shiftless Bastards” 

A team of scientists in Philadelphia have uncovered a link between anti-obesity drugs and severe nausea experienced by some users — the team says nausea in obese patients is due to the drugs interacting with the brain in the same region associated with eating vegetables.

Feature

Study Finds “Bejesus” Still Most That Can be Scared Out of You

A newly published study conducted by a team of scientists at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga has confirmed that of all the things that can be scared out of you, “the bejesus” still reigns supreme.  

The team discovered that having the shit scared out of you slightly edged out having the crap scared out of you. However, both fell short of the bejesus by a considerable margin. Interestingly, while it didn’t come close to the bejesus, the team confirmed that being scared to death was still twice as much as being scared half to death. Between death and half to death, naturally, was the living daylights.   

Over 65% of study participants agreed that it was worse when they had “the devil” scared out of them than “the hell,” and 81% said being scared “straight” was worse than being scared “silly.” 

“When it comes to scaring something out of a person,” said research team lead Dr. Werner Van der Veen, “the results are undeniable. The hierarchy is clear: Bejesus, devil, hell, death, living daylights, half to death, shit, crap, straight, and silly.”

The study also highlighted that having the bejesus scared out of you was significantly more terrifying than any fear or uneasiness that can be given to you. “Our findings show that a scare which removes the bejesus from you is far worse than anything that we attempted to ‘give’ our test subjects, such as the creeps, the willies, or the heebie-jeebies.” Dr. Van der Veen elaborated. 

As this issue goes to print, Dr. Van der Veen and his team were forced back to the drawing board as a new challenger presented itself. The team will now assess how having the bejesus scared out of you stacks up against having the fear of God put in you. 

Shameless Plug

Join the FREE 5-Bullet Friday Newsletter!

Written by the author of the  #1 New York Times Bestseller The 4-Hour Workweek and Host of The Tim Ferriss Show podcast (900M+ Downloads). 

5-Bullet Friday is where 1.5M+ readers keep up with the latest books, gadgets, hacks, interviews, quotes, and more sent directly from Tim Ferriss.

Subscribe today with one click.

Want to get in front of 35k+ readers? Fill out this form.

Miscellaneous

• Pennsylvania is getting a new license plate that features the Liberty Bell and the phrase “Let Freedom Ring.” Other designs discussed featured a winking Benjamin Franklin with the phrase “Honk if You’re Horny,” and a man punching a police horse in the face with the phrase “Go Birds!” 

• The Associated Press reports it’s never been harder to make friends at work — but some offices are trying to combat loneliness by creating spaces for coworkers to hang out and find their new office bestie. They’re calling them “bars.”

• Ex-Hollywood producer and convicted sexual predator Harvey Weinstein has reportedly complained the meals he’s being served in prison have too many carbohydrates. Weinstein says the more carbs he eats, the bigger his ass gets, making him irresistible to other inmates.  

• Scientists have discovered that hippopotamuses can become airborne for substantial periods of time - for far longer than others of similar sizes. The new research by the Royal Veterinary College (RVC) has found that the mammals can stay in the air for up to 0.3 seconds at a time when moving at speed. You can read more about the veterinary team’s findings in the scientific journal — I Can’t Believe We Get to Call Ourselves Doctors.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week’s issue and want to support future editions, please share it!

If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.

Follow on Instagram