Crier Quotes

“Call me crazy, but I’d throw in some anchovies” 
- Cesar 

Trending News

According to a psychiatrist recently published in Psychology Today, using the phrase “part of me” when explaining your points during an argument will help you win the argument in a way that respects both participants and opens a more empathetic dialogue — Although, the psychiatrist admits the effectiveness of saying “part of me” drops considerably when followed by “thinks you’re a complete moron.” 

Italy plans to reintroduce nuclear energy for the first time in 35 years. Although, if you want to see someone go nuclear in Italy, ask for pineapple on pizza. 

Due to the rising cost of healthcare in the United States, a growing number of Americans are flocking overseas for cosmetic procedures. Although, those looking to make the trip for cheaper breast augmentations should be warned that on the flight home they can be charged for the extra bags. 

Feature

Colombian Cartel Introduce New Diet Cocaine

At a press event held on its 465-foot yacht, The Ave Maria, in Miami, the Colombian cartel proudly introduced their new Diet Blow, calling it “the choice for those who want a lighter experience without compromising on thrill." A spokesperson emphasized the cartel's commitment to providing consumers with same high without the debilitating next-day crash.

"We understand that more than ever before, people are conscious about what they are putting in their bodies,” said Carlos “The Butcher” Rodriguez, the mastermind behind the cartel's expanding product line. “They crave the rush that comes with our brand, but they hate the morning after. That’s why we're introducing Diet Blow for those who seek a premium yet lighter indulgence.”

The cartel says Diet Blow is just the beginning, as they plan to roll out a variety of new cocaines over the course of the next two years. The cartel believes a diversified product line is the key to a sustainable empire. First on the list, Rodriguez says, is a cocaine-viagra hybrid called C-suite. “In today’s market, consumers value choice above all. What we want to do is provide a variety of products that can meet the needs of all customers.” 

Early reviews of Diet Blow have been positive. “I love blow original,” said Barrington Winthrop IV, “and in my early twenties, sure, I could rail a half-dozen lines of the marching powder in a nightclub handicap stall with the best of them, but as I get older, a full line just takes too much out of me. Then my dealer Switchblade turned me on to Diet Blow, and wow, its like I’m back in the dorms at Princeton — I’M NEVER GONNA TO DIE!!!” 

As this issue goes to print, the cartel’s Diet Blow was selling toot over bump after it received a resounding two nostrils up review in Trust Fund Magazine. 

Miscellaneous

• A flock of sheep in Greece got into a greenhouse and ate 200 pounds of medical marijuana. When the sheep were pulled over by a shepherd the stoned sheep said the medical marijuana was for their Glaaaaaaaucoma. 

• On Tuesday, a meteor streaked over the New York City skyline before disintegrating over nearby New Jersey — Yet another reminder of how traveling from New York to New Jersey can make something lose the will the live.  

• A new study from the Wharton School released Tuesday found that the correlation between wealth and happiness does not plateau as previously believed, but rather as people get richer, they get happier. As evidence, the study points to the fact that one of the ways you get to the bank is by laughing. 

• According to Axios, food critic may be the unhealthiest job in America. “And if you don’t believe it,” said one food critic, “then I’d like to see YOU review the clams at White Castle.” 

• The world record for fastest typing speed over a 15-second period is 305 words per minute, held by a 17-year-old known as “MythicalRocket.” The 17-year-old was able to set the record for fastest typing speed by repeatedly typing the phrase “I hope this gets me laid.” 

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