- The Town Crier
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- #132
#132
Crier Quotes
“I shouldn’t be out during a full moon. I’m not a werewolf or anything. It’s just… forget it… I’ve said too much.”
- Paul Giamatti, unprompted
Trending News
On Friday, millions around the world celebrated the return of the Olympic Games. For those looking to have fun while watching the games, take a shot every time someone says “I could do that.”
Melania Trump will tell her own story in a memoir set to be released in the fall. Apparently Melania is a huge Beatles fan because the book is titled “HELP!”
John Mayall, 2024 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee and influential British blues musician, passed this week at age 90. The family says the blues singer’s cause of death was that evil, no-good, two-timing woman that done him wrong.
Feature
Top Individual Medal Winners at Paris Games to Receive Laurel Wreath of Macron Chest Hair
The champions of the 33rd Olympiad will certainly have something to remember their triumph by as it was announced this week shortly before the opening ceremony that the top three individual men’s and women’s medal winners will be presented with a special laurel wreath made entirely of French President Emmanuel Macron’s chest hair. A spokesperson for the French National Olympic and Sports Committee said they’ve been shearing Macron nightly for nearly eighteen months and are on schedule to finish in time for the closing ceremony on August 11th.
Sources close to the project say the process of constructing each of the chest hair wreaths takes more than fifteen hundred hours, involving botanical experts, goldsmiths, and designers from famed Paris fashion houses Givenchy and Jean-Paul Gaultier. The wreaths are then meticulously assembled by hand by the Sisters of the Loom, a convent of blind nuns just outside Aix-en-Provence.
“The laurel wreath is a timeless symbol of victory and triumph,” said Jacques Dubois, a spokesperson for the French Olympic Organizing Committee. “We wanted to honor these exceptional athletes with something truly special and enduring,” added Dubois, “and we couldn’t think of anything more distinguished or categorically French.”
The presentation of the wreaths will be a highlight of the closing ceremony. In a solemn and inspiring moment, the athletes with the highest medal counts will be called to the stage to receive their awards. The ceremony will feature elements of Greek tradition, including music and dance, combined with the French tradition of tasteful nudity.
While the storylines of these games are yet to be written, one thing is for certain, by the time all is said and done, we’ll separate the best from the chest.
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Miscellaneous
Social media was set ablaze this week with the rumor that vice presidential candidate JD Vance once pleasured himself between two couch cushions. While he denies ever having sex with a couch, Vance did admit to fluffing the pillows in college.
According to her campaign manager, Kamala Harris has joined TikTok to reach more voters. The Harris team says she’s joined the platform because “no one has a stronger hold on young Americans like the Chinese.”
Wednesday was National Tequila Day. For an astonishing 80 years in a row, National Tequila Day coincided with National “I’ll Hold Your Hair Back” Day
Neuroscientists have uncovered how propofol, a common anesthetic, knocks people unconscious. You can read more about the team’s findings in their newly published paper “Hey, Does This Smell Funny?”
US authorities have arrested 76-year-old Mexican drug lord Ismael “El Mayo” Zambada. Authorities said they are squeezing everything they can out of El Mayo, but there’s still no word on the whereabouts of his mistress El Ketchup or their son El Special Sauce.
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