Crier Quotes

“No one ever mentions it, but I make the best duck sound you’ve ever heard. If you close your eyes, you’d swear it was a real duck.”
- Martin Van Buren 

Trending News

Taco Bell is planning to have AI take drive-thru orders at hundreds of U.S. locations later this year. The drive-thru AI is engineered to understand and speak multiple languages including English, Spanish, and Stoner. 

According to a new study, people’s facial appearance tend to change over time to align with stereotypes associated with their names. Volunteers were able to match adult faces to names at a significantly high rate without previous knowledge of the people. The easiest to spot, of course, was Karen. 

Colin Jost was tapped to host Pop Culture Jeopardy!, the show’s first spinoff airing exclusively on Prime Video. Unlike the original, contestants in Pop Culture Jeopardy! must phrase their answer in the form of “like” or “um.”  

Feature

New Instagram Filter Replaces You with Hotter Influencer

In a bold move that’s sure to shake up the social media landscape, Instagram has unveiled its latest filter: “BetterYou.” This groundbreaking feature will allow users to enhance their photos by replacing them entirely with a more aesthetically pleasing person. The filter was designed with Instagram’s core purpose — making everyone you know insane with jealousy at the perfect life it looks like you have. 

The filter is simple to use. Just take a photo and select BetterYou. Then, the built-in AI matches your face with an array of influencers that most resemble you. Choose the one you like best and voila.

The fun doesn’t stop there, though, as you can also mix and match. Want one influencer’s lips and another influencer’s chest and abs — no problem! Love his jawline but hate his man bun — BetterYou has you covered. Whether it’s beefy biceps or an ass that won’t quit, you can create anything you want to prove to everyone that you’re everything you’re not. With BetterYou, it’s your life, but better!

Early adopters of the filter are thrilled. “My likes have skyrocketed since I started using BetterYou,” said Jake Myer, an aspiring social media star. “Finally, I’m getting the recognition I deserve. Who cares if it’s not really me in the photos? It’s the internet. Nothing’s real anyway.”

“I used to spend hours trying to capture the perfect selfie,” said frequent Instagram user Lisa Thurman-Wallace. “But the problem wasn’t the lighting or the angle, it was me. That all changed with BetterYou. I just snap a pic, and boom, I’m suddenly looking like Bella Hadid! It’s a real game-changer.”

As the filter continues to spread, Instagram users are getting everything they’ve ever wanted in a social media app — Likes for what it looks like their life is and hate for what it looks like their friends don’t have. 

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Miscellaneous

• NFL coaches will be required to participate in live interviews during games this season, a change from previous years when it was optional. During these interviews, coaches will take questions submitted by fans like “What are you some kind of idiot?”

• The iconic gold bikini-style costume made famous by Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia in the "Star Wars" blockbuster "Return of the Jedi" was sold for $175,000 at auction. The golden bikini went once, twice, then sold to the man breathing the heaviest.

• Krispy Kreme sold $1 doughnuts this Wednesday to celebrate the Olympics. Although, the case could be made that $1 doughnuts are less of a celebration of peak physical competition and more of a celebration of diabetes. 

• A woman in New Zealand called the police after stumbling upon what looked like a headless body on a beach — but it was just a "very realistic" sex doll. Said the officer who arrived first, “that’s not a woman, that’s an XT-9000, I mean, I’ve never seen one of those before in my life.” 

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