Crier Quotes

“If I could change one thing about myself, it would probably be my calves.”
- Aristotle 

Trending News

According to reports, athletes at this year’s Olympics competing in the heavily E. coli infested Seine are drinking a can of Coca-Cola to neutralize the effects of the bacteria. The practice has been so successful that Coke is now the official drink of Chipotle. 

The hairstyle making a comeback among teenagers is “broccoli hair” — Named after the appearance of broccoli on one’s head, parents say the style marks the beginning of your teen’s “idiot phase.” 

The Arizona Cardinals will offer a “Cotton Candy Burrito” at select concession stands this upcoming season. The burrito has cotton candy flavored ice cream, Fruity Pebbles, Froot Loops, marshmallows, Skittles, M&M’s minis, gummy bears, and sprinkles all wrapped in cotton candy. If you’re looking for the concession stand offering the Cotton Candy Burrito, it’s the one sponsored by Ozempic. 

Feature

New Addition to Grammarly Ensures Passive Aggressive Tone

Grammarly, the popular writing assistant, is introducing a new feature available to premium subscribers that analyzes text and offers suggestions to ensure passive-aggressive undertones.

“At one time or another, we’ve all wanted to tell a client to jump up their own ass, but that’s just not professional,” said Dr. Evelyn Carter, head of language research at Grammarly. “Our new feature provides users with the tools to express themselves with subtle yet impactful precision.” 

With Grammarly’s help, employees can now effortlessly transform a simple request into a veiled accusation and a casual observation into a shrewdly concealed insult. Users can choose from various passive-aggressive tone options, ranging from mildly irritated to downright hostile.

Dr. Carter says the AI for the new feature was trained to deliver the perfect undercutting jab by sourcing over eighty-seven million comments made by the champions of passive aggression — middle school girls and disappointed mothers-in-law. Like when you want to suggest someone must be a complete moron for doing what they’re doing, Grammarly might propose, “I'm sure you have excellent reasons for doing things that way.”

Users say the feature has been a game-changer. “I used to spend hours crafting the perfect email,” said Alex Turner. “Drafting over and over but never getting the tone just right. It drove me crazy. Now, I just type how I feel and Grammarly does the rest.”

Another user, marketing manager Sarah Lee, added, “It’s like having a tiny angry elf in your pocket. I don’t know how I ever used to get through a workday without it.”

As we go to print, Dr. Carter says her team plans on rolling out more features by the end of the year, including a widely anticipated Instagram comment plugin for delivering backhanded compliments to frenemies. 

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Miscellaneous

• Dolce & Gabbana has introduced a new line of perfume for dogs called Fefé. For $100, it’s the best way to say, “no, I don’t give to charity.” 

• Scientists engineer disease-causing parasite to deliver therapeutic drugs across the blood-brain barrier. Toxoplasma gondii has been shown to cause mice to lose their fear of cats. Although, some believe the disease-causing brain parasite may not have decreased the mice’s fear of cats as much as it may have increased their desire for the sweet relief of death. 

• Friday marked the 80th anniversary of the introduction of Smokey the Bear. An icon known for putting out fires while simultaneously igniting your loins.

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