- The Town Crier
- Posts
- #135
#135
Crier Quotes
“I spent a majority of my teenage years speaking Elvish with a man who lived in a storm drain.”
- Charlie Puth
Trending News
In what he called a nod to ancient Roman tradition, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg unveiled on Instagram a large sculpture depicting the likeness of his wife Priscilla Chan. When she saw the sculpture, Chan responded as any wife would, asking, “What are you apologizing for?”
The World Health Organization declared mpox, formerly known as monkeypox, a public health emergency of international concern, the most severe declaration the organization can issue. In recent memory there have been only two other emergency of international concern declarations — COVID-19 and the return of the McRib.
According to a survey, 45% of Americans believe drinking one to two drinks per day is bad for health, while 43% of Americans believe it makes no difference. It was hard to tell where the remaining 12% stood because they were slurring.
Feature
Man Eating at Girlfriend’s Pace Dies of Starvation
In a tragic turn of events, a local man, Sean Jenkins, has tragically perished after attempting to consume meals at the same glacial pace as his girlfriend. Jenkins, 28, a previously robust individual, succumbed after a particularly grueling mealtime odyssey in which the gap between bites was so long that his caloric intake ground to a halt before his body gave out.
Sources close to the couple report that Jenkins had decided to synchronize his eating with his girlfriend’s to make her feel less self-conscious about her eating habits. This extreme measure, while undoubtedly a testament to his love, ultimately proved fatal.
Experts warn that such extreme lengths to please a partner are not advisable. “While it’s important to be supportive of your loved one, it’s equally crucial to prioritize your health and well-being,” said Dr. Reva Patel. “I want to stress to everyone the importance of providing your body with its required sustenance and to do so in a timely fashion. Think of meal times like you would if the oxygen masks are lowered on an aircraft — put yours on first before assisting others.”
The Jenkins family says they plan to honor Sean by setting up the Sean Jenkins Stomach Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to spreading awareness and providing relief for others withering away as their girlfriend pushes a grape tomato aimlessly back and forth across their plate.
Jenkins’s family will hold funeral services on Thursday with a reception/buffet to follow at the Golden Corral. Attendees are encouraged to eat heartily in Sean’s memory.
Shameless Plug
Your new favorite workwear
Boots that provide all day comfort
Apparel for all situations and needs
Your new favorite Workwear.
Want to get in front of 38k+ readers? Fill out this form.
Don’t have a brand you want to promote but still want to contribute to The Town Crier, you can show your support here. Everything helps. Thank you!
Miscellaneous
The Iowa State Fair held its annual husband calling competition. The winner and their husband both receive blue ribbons at the event with hers reading “1st Place” and his reading “Poor Bastard.”
Residents of San Francisco’s South of Market neighborhood have reported a fleet of Waymo self-driving cars are keeping them up at night as they endlessly honk at each other while navigating the parking lot where they sit when not making trips. Engineers at Waymo say the cars are either honking because of a technical glitch or they’re honking because they’re horny.
A 2017 survey from the Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy resurfaced recently reminding us it found that 7% of American adults (roughly 17.3 million people) think chocolate milk comes from brown cows. A survey that’s all fun and games until you realize that they can all vote.
In Las Vegas, nights have been getting hotter much faster than the days which studies show can be deadly. It’s apparently so hot at night the hookers get in your car just for the AC.
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week’s issue and want to support future editions, please share it!
If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.
