Crier Quotes

“Three times per day, I’m contractually obligated to say ‘sarsaparilla.’”
- Sam Elliot, on the importance of reading the fine print

Trending News

Entering the 2024-25 school year, roughly one-third of U.S. K-12 students are considered behind grade level. A statistic that is even worse when you consider the kids in China are able to outperform American kids while working a full-time job. 

Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump will debate for the first time Tuesday on ABC — So check your local listings for Dumb and Dumber. (We’ll let you decide who’s who).

Week One of the NFL season kicked off today — which would explain why many of you are reading this drunk. 

Feature

Nation’s Cheerleaders Gather — Demand Defense 

Calling attention to a rather dire situation, cheerleaders across the nation took to the sidelines this weekend, staging organized protests across high school, college, and NFL games. With giant “Ds” and white picket fences bobbing up and down, the message was clear. From city stadiums to rural fields, cheerleaders raised their voices — and their pom-poms — in a united cry for more defense.

“What we need right now more than anything is defense,” said Dallas Cowboys veteran cheerleader Kylie Dickson, “Enough is enough. We want Defense, and we want it now!” 

Support for the nation’s cheerleaders’ demands was strong at all levels, as several million Americans joined in their cries for “D-D-Defense!” A new Gallup poll found 97% of Americans were sympathetic to their cause, with over 99% agreeing with cheerleaders on the need to “push ‘em back,” “knock ‘em down,” and “get tough.”

At various points throughout their protest, entire cheerleading units could be heard calling upon a single man, often the team’s star linebacker, to supply them with the necessary defense, adding, “he’s our man. If he can’t do it, no one can.” 

As this issue goes to print, roughly 50% of cheerleading units were successful in getting their desired defense — although several were left wanting. Still, the nation’s cheerleaders confirmed they’ll be back on the sidelines next week, even more resolute, and say no matter what gets thrown their way, they’ll continue to “be aggressive, B-E aggressive.”

Miscellaneous

• The University of Texas at San Antonio is offering a new major for aspiring influencers called Digital Media Influence. The course will center around the foundational academic work on digital media influence — “The Subtle Art of Pushing Your Breasts Together.” 

• Krispy Kreme and Dr Pepper announced that they’ll collaborate on a new line of doughnuts. Or as they’ll be known in medical circles — Heart Grenades.

• A new documentary spotlights President Abraham Lincoln’s sexuality, with historians arguing that the 16th U.S. president was what we would now call queer. At the center of Lincoln’s queer debate is his love/hate relationship with bondage. 

• The Louisville Metro Police Department is looking for someone who's accused of repeatedly pooping on the same person's porch. Metro Police say if you live in the Louisville area and have information, dial number 2.

• A rare copy of the U.S. Constitution, one of 100 printed in 1787, will be auctioned in Asheville, North Carolina with bidding to start at $1 million. The auction will take place September 28 — contingent, of course, on it not being stolen by Nicolas Cage. 

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