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#138
Crier Quotes
“For my next role, I really want something I can sink my teeth into.”
- Armie Hammer
Trending News
According to Bloomberg, the average American now eats roughly 42 pounds of cheese a year. So, all things considered, life’s pretty good.
Pizza Hut is now offering a limited edition box that turns into a small table. So if you walk into your friend’s living room and he’s got a table made from a Pizza Hut box, the answer is yes — she left and took the kids.
2024 seems to be the year of the “I VOTED” sticker as several states have gone viral for their designs, including Michigan’s, which depicts a jacked werewolf, howling to the heavens and ripping the shirt from his body, and in Louisiana, voters will get a crawfish-themed “I VOTED” sticker depicting a cartoon crawfish, named Mark de Ballot, who sports a blue tuxedo jacket with a black top hat. Not to be outdone, New York City announced they’ll give voters city-themed “I VOTED” stickers featuring a cartoon rat, named Fuhgedd de ballot, sporting a tin foil hat, lit cigarette, and an open knife wound.
Feature
Man Walks in on Wife Binging “Their Show” with Neighbor
Local man Kevin Owens was left feeling the bitter sting of betrayal after walking in on his wife and neighbor engrossed in an intimate viewing session of their favorite television show.
According to sources, Owens returned home earlier than expected from a week-long business trip. As he entered, he could hear noises coming from the living room. He followed the sounds of laugher and conversation to find his wife, Norah, and their neighbor, Javier, on the couch, absorbed in an episode of Only Murders in the Building.
“You hear stories of people going away on business and coming home to find their spouse has gone ahead a few episodes behind their back,” said a despondent Owens, “but you never think it’ll happen to you. And you sure as hell don’t think you’ll ever walk in on them doing it.”
Neighbors described Owens as a devoted family man and expressed their disbelief at the unexpected revelation. "They seemed like such a happy couple," commented Chelsea Davis, a nearby resident. "It's hard to imagine this happening.”
Norah attempted to soothe her husband by explaining that their three-episode binge was just a casual viewing and that she’d gladly rewatch the series with him. However, the hurt had already taken root.
As of now, the couple has declined to comment on the matter. It remains unclear what the future holds for their relationship in the wake of this shocking discovery, but sources close to the Owens say the couple have been spending their nights watching television in separate rooms.
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Miscellaneous
Jewelry seized by Nazis from concentration camp prisoners was recently returned to families in Poland. Said German authorities, “it’s not important how we tracked you down.”
NASA has greenlit the launch of mission to search for signs of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. “Hey, NASA, I’ve got your sign of life right here,” said two middle finger wielding astronauts stranded at the ISS.
On Friday, Justin Timberlake plead guilty to impaired driving following his June DWI arrest. As his punishment, Timberlake was given community service — or as it’s known in Hollywood — the Masked Singer.
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