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#146
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Crier Quotes
“I’m a pacifist at heart.”
- Mike Tyson
Trending News
In her interview with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show, Martha Stewart showed off the newest challengers to the Elf on a Shelf with her Martha on a Mantel and Snoop on a Stoop. While not getting the same commercial attention, fans of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm can get their hands on a Larry on a Ledge, who all season long will make sure your kids behavior is pretty, pretty, pretty good.
Following his nomination and resignation from the House of Representatives, the House Ethics Committee has dropped their investigation into Rep. Matt Gaetz. While Gaetz will no longer be probed by the committee, he said he’ll continue probing himself just for fun.
Yale University students will be able to take a course on Beyoncé’s music career starting next semester. The course opens with the professor telling students to look to your left, look to your right, by the end of the semester one of you will be fierce.
Feature
Hourglass Named People’s Sexiest Clock Alive
After months of deliberation, People Magazine crowned the hourglass as 2024’s Sexiest Clock Alive. “It wasn’t an easy choice by any stretch of the imagination,” said People Magazine editor-in-chief Wendy Naugle. “This year, we wanted more than just a pretty face. We wanted a clock with substance as well as shape, and the hourglass has both in spades. She’s got the curves, she’s got the sand, she’s got it all.”
“Gobsmacked. Honestly, just absolutely gobsmacked,” said the hourglass about when she received the call congratulating her on the title. “I thought it was a joke. I really did. I told my friends, ‘Somebody turn me over, I think I’m dreaming.’ Seriously though, it’s a tremendous honor. And I just want to say to every little timekeeper out there, just keep ticking because you never know when your time will come.”
The hourglass's victory marks a dramatic shift in the timepiece landscape. For centuries, Big Ben's iconic chimes echoed through the clock world — spawning the adage “The world is held in the hands of the British Empire.” But in late 2020, as protesters toppled monuments worldwide, the clock community was forced to confront Ben’s colonizer past. Big Ben's fall from grace created space for more diverse timekeepers to shine. In their selection rationale, the committee noted the hourglass’s 2024 cultural influence, exemplified in Tyla’s Met Gala look.
Amidst the fervor of the 2024 election, a strong case was being made for the Cuckoo Clock — however, the selection committee made the deliberate choice this year to not be political.
The title returns to the hourglass after back to back wins by the pendulum clock — the second of which drew the ire of many in the clock community on social media over what they saw as a clear thirsting by the committee over a clock that is “well hung.” “The community spoke, and we listened,” said Naugle. “And while personally, I could watch that thing swing back and forth all day, I didn’t want a repeat of what we had in the early ’00s, when we were accused of being into Grandfather clocks just for the money.”
Looking ahead to 2025, the hourglass is already focused on using her platform for good. "Time waits for no one," she said, adjusting her curves for the photographer. "But in a world that’s becoming increasingly divided, maybe we can all learn to slow down and watch the sand fall together."
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Miscellaneous
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In a new lawsuit, KFC has accused fellow fast-food fried chicken purveyor Church's Texas Chicken of violating its trademark rights by using the phrase "Original Recipe" in its advertisements and promotions. If they win it could pave the way for other advertising law suits, including one against Subway for their use of the word “Fresh”
Police said the homes of Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs were burglarized early last month. When they heard, executives at State Farm passed out from the erection.
Experts warn that prolonged sitting on the toilet can harm your health, with sitting for longer than ten minutes connected to an increased risk of hemorrhoids and weakened pelvic muscles. So don’t say I’ve never done anything for you — The Crier’s always a tight 5.
Costco had to recall 80,000 pounds of butter because the labels failed to mention that it includes milk. After announcing the recall, Costco issued a personal apology to all four customers.
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