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#147
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Crier Quotes
“Oh gosh, so many classics really. There’s The Sound and the Fury, The Prince and the Pauper, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, The Beautiful and the Dammed, Little Women —But if I had to choose my favorite, I’d say The Grapes of Wrath.”
- Elon Musk on what he calls his testicles
Trending News
AAA estimates a record 80 million Americans are expected to travel for Thanksgiving. In preparation, departure terminals nationwide are putting up signs reading “Welcome to Hell.”
After announcing his withdrawal for attorney general, Matt Gaetz launched a Cameo page, charging $500 for custom video messages. Gaetz got on Cameo after being repeatedly told there’s no such thing as OnlyFreshmen.
McDonald's is offering a DIY solution for McRib lovers by selling half-gallon jugs of its McRib sauce for $19.99. McDonald’s said it chose to sell its McRib sauce in half-gallons because a gallon would just be ridiculous.
Feature
Bostonians Say It’s Too Early for the First “Go Fahk Yourself” of Holiday Season
Feeling as if they had only just handed out this year’s “Trick-or-Fahkin-Treats,” local Bostonians say they were unnerved this week by the sound of the first “Go Fahk Yourself” of the Holiday season.
"I swear it starts earlier and earlier every fahkin' year," said Southie resident Mark O'Malley, watching as Macy's employees unveiled its annual "Go Fahk Yourself" windows. “Can't we at least get to Thanks-fahkin-giving first? I mean Jesus-fahkin-Christ what's wrong with people? Go Pats.”
O’Malley isn’t the only Bostonian rattled by the ever quickening pace at which the city starts hearing its first Holiday “Go Fahk Yourself,” with a recent poll indicating 87% of Boston residents would prefer to start hearing the holiday phrase after December 1st.
For many, the Samuel Adams “Go Fahk Yourself” Chowder Cook-Off, held the first Sunday after Thanksgiving, marks the real beginning of the season — when families gather to eat chowder and tell each other to officially “Go Fahk Yourself.”
“You gotta wait until after the cook-off,” said local woman Cara Sullivan, “The season doesn’t start until the cook-off winner dresses as Paul Revere, rides through the streets lined with children flipping him the bird, and tells them all to Go Fahk Yourself. That’s how I was raised. That’s how my children were raised. And when the day comes, damn it, that’s how my grandchildren will be raised. Go Pats.”
For older generations of Boston natives, the fear is that the early greetings are a symptom of a bigger problem, as the early rush into holiday confrontations feels like the death of tradition.
“When I was growing up, things were different. You didn’t just say ‘Go Fahk Yourself’ on a whim” said Dorchester native Gene Harrigan, “It used to really mean something. Now it’s all corporate, commercialized, bullshit. If you’re asking me, we’ve lost the true meaning of Go Fahk Yourself. But what do I know. Go Pats.”
While Boston's residents may be rattled by the early wave of holiday greetings, Mayor Michelle Wu insists that not all traditions are being rushed. “While you may hear Go Fahk Yourself earlier than you’d like this year, other traditions will stay exactly as they are,” said Wu.
The mayor confirmed that the city remains on schedule for the lighting of the ceremonial pack of Marlboros on December 5th and will burn one cigarette from the pack every night until the 25th, when the entire city will gather in Boston Common as Ben Affleck puts out the last one in a fresh cup of Dunkin’.
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Miscellaneous
Brought to you by Lysted
A single banana duct-taped to a wall officially sold for $6.2 million at auction on Wednesday, according to Sotheby’s. The piece is part of a new art movement called — how you say — Bul lé Shít.
First class travelers will soon be able to enjoy Shake Shack burgers on select Delta flights beginning next month, with plans to expand throughout the U.S. in 2025. Meanwhile, Southwest has said they’ll continue to serve all passengers regret.
University of Pittsburgh researchers used ChatGPT 3.5 to generate poems in the style of famous authors like William Shakespeare, Walt Whitman, and Emily Dickinson, and found readers prefer AI-generated poems to classics. You can read more in their published study “Roses are red, violets are blue/ Don’t look now, but humanity’s doomed.”
A list of the nation’s 20 most dangerous creatures has ranked deer as America's deadliest animal, responsible for far more injuries and fatalities than any predator. Wildlife experts say, to stay safe, the best way to view deer in the wild is through a scope.
The world’s tallest and smallest women met for afternoon tea in London this week to celebrate Guinness World Records Day — and that’s pretty much the long and short of it.
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