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Trending News

JetBlue announced this week it will now accept payment in Venmo. That story again, JetBlue will allow payment in drugs. 

As one of its first acts, Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency is looking at getting rid of the penny — or, as its known to Musk — the original diversity hire. 

An upcoming half-marathon in Beijing will feature 12,000 human runners racing alongside dozens of bipedal, humanoid robots from 20+ companies.Several of the companies said they wanted to make the robots as similar to human runners as possible, but one wonders if it were necessary to give them nipples that leak oil.  

Legendary composer Hans Zimmer is reportedly in talks to recreate Saudi Arabia’s national anthem. When choosing a composer to create his new anthem, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman said “get me the guy who did Darth Vader’s.”

Pete Hegseth was confirmed as Defense secretary after Vice President JD Vance cast his tiebreaking vote. I don’t know how Hegseth celebrated, but I’m guessing the next morning, neither did he. 

Tim Noel has been named CEO of UnitedHealthcare, succeeding the late Brian Thompson. Noel’s first order of business — purchase life insurance. 

Feature

Younger Sibling “Not Touching You” Still Most Effective Irritation Tactic

In a coordinated psychological warfare campaign spanning living rooms, backseats, and shared bedrooms nationwide, younger siblings have confirmed their continued deployment of the infamous "I'm not touching you" strategy is still the most effective older sibling irritation tactic.

Experts in sibling dynamics describe the maneuver as a nearly perfect form of non-physical provocation, designed to maximize parental existential crisis and older sibling torment with minimal physical contact.

"It's a delicate art," explained Dr. Rachel Zimmerman, child psychology researcher. "The key is maintaining diabolical closeness without actually making contact. Research shows roughly one millimeter of space between yourself and the target sibling will result in the maximum potential for emotional destabilization."

Six-year-old Emily Rodriguez demonstrated the technique with surgical precision, extending her index finger exactly 0.87 millimeters from her brother's ear, while never breaking her stone-faced expression of pure, calculated innocence.

"I'm literally not touching you," Emily stated, her finger hovering with mathematically exact restraint. “See, look — Not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching yoooooouuuuuuuuuu.”

Researchers say the psychological toll not being touched has on a sibling outpaces other modes of sibling shithousery by leaps and bounds. Unlike the overtly physical “stop hitting yourself” tactic employed by older siblings, its precisely the abscence of contact that cuts the deepest. Far surpassing other known weapons of sibling warfare, Dr. Zimmerman explained prolongued “I’m not touching you” resulted in a 47% increase in irritation compared with verbal mimicry, and an astounding 82% more potent than reminding a sibling that “I’m rubber and you’re glue.” Zimmerman noted both clockwise and counter-clockwise rotation of the nontouching figure could be deployed to heighten antagonization by a magnitude of 12.

Parents nationwide have confirmed the strategy's devastating effectiveness, with most admitting they are powerless against such meticulously engineered provocation. “How do you punish something that technically isn't happening?" wondered Mark Thompson, father of three. “You can read all the books on parenting you want, but nothing prepares you for this.” 

Dr. Zimmerman says more research on the subject will need to be conducted. Specifically, the psycho-emotional effects of an embattled older sibling left with no other alternative but to deploy the nuclear option — “Mom and Dad told me you’re adopted.” 

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