Crier Quotes

“No. Pepsi is not ‘OK,’ I want Coke.”- Pablo Escobar


List of DeManchins

The Lede:

This week, Democrats said they were closing in on a deal to chop President Biden's Build Back Better bill down to a package that will get the votes of both progressives and the sovereign Joe Manchin.

What's on the chopping block?

A slew of Democrat social program wish list items look to be scaled back or modified in the coming week. Manchin has called the expanded child tax credit - which pays most parents up to $300 a month per child - Ludacris. Instead, he proposes a program funded at one-quarter of the cost, which will provide monthly bootstraps to children of underprivileged families for them to "pull themselves up by."

It looks like a free two-year community college is off the table as well. Manchin says the years spent in community college would be a waste of young, resilient lungs - adding, "such supple, healthy lungs belong in a mine."

The cornerstone $150 billion Clean Electricity Performance Program is a non-starter for Manchin. Manchin says the idea of "clean energy" makes him uncomfortable, and the reason why it's his safe word. Meanwhile, supply chain disruptions predict energy shortages will amount to a pricier winter for American families. However, Manchin says we can avoid the impending price hike if this new, "soft" generation stops thinking they're "too good" to sleep in a hollowed-out animal carcass.

What are people saying?

The country's torn. Critics of Manchin say there is an obvious conflict of interest at play. The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that Manchin not only rakes in donations from the oil, gas, and coal sectors but also owns a stake in a coal company run by his son, and received nearly $500,000 in dividends last year - which has been called "a racket" and "simply egregious" by Hunter Biden.

However, when asked whether the government is doing too much or not enough to solve the nation's problems, a new Gallup poll reported 52% said it's "doing too much" - a near 180 degree turn from last year that reported 54% saying "it should do more." Gallup pollsters say a reversal such as this in the court of public opinion hasn't been seen since the betrayal of the "can you hear me now?" guy.

What next?

Democratic lawmakers say they will continue towards passing legislation before President Biden attends the United Nations climate conference in Glasgow, Scotland, at the end of the month. Biden personally implored lawmakers to get a deal done as he fears showing up empty-handed will result in not being allowed to sit at the "cool" table by Greta Thunberg. Said Biden, "Please, you don't know what it's like - I can't sit with the Balkins again."


  • According to Bloomberg, time off due to COVID has made pilots rusty - leading to numerous errors in recent months. Pilots are doing things they never did before the pandemic - in one instance, a rusty pilot mistakenly turned on the "throw that baby out the wing door sign."

  • A new poll reports 2/3 of Americans who use social media believe life was better before platforms. Respondents say what they miss the most about the old days was how easy it was to fake your own death and start over under the name "Silas O'Shaughnessy"

  • The role of the media in promoting lynchings came under scrutiny this week. It was reported that newspapers used to advertise upcoming lynchings, often printing the time, date, and place mobs would gather. "We have no idea what you're talking about," said Tennessee's oldest paper - The Torch and Pitchfork.

  • John Deere workers have been on strike after union leaders rejected the company's contract offer. Workers say they won't go back until the company meets their demands - mainly - receiving full medical coverage for whatever their daughter keeps getting from "riding their tractors."

  • Doctors have noticed a growing number of teen girls are developing physical ticks including jerking movements after spending time on TikTok. The symptoms have gone unnoticed until now because Doctors say what they call Tourettes, white girls call "dancing."

  • Maya Angelou will be the first woman to appear on the US quarter in 2022. After years of debating currency changes, Republicans and Democrats have come to what they're calling the 1/4 compromise.

  • Last week, Netflix announced a partnership with Walmart to sell consumer products of popular shows as a way to "bring [their] stories [to fans] in a new and exciting way." After retail, the next logical step is for Netflix to go experiential - which is why this Halloween, Netflix is bringing one of its pandemic hits back to life by opening a haunted house on Epstein Island.

  • Authorities have a new plan for trying to corral a pair of Zebras roaming suburban Maryland. Plan B involves recruiting two female zebras to lure the fugitives back with companionship. In unrelated news, Maryland authorities are asking residents to be on the lookout for a loose cheetah that goes by the name "Plan A."

  • A study conducted by the Center for American Progress found nearly half of transgender individuals have experienced mistreatment by a medical provider - including being intentionally misgendered. To combat this, we recommend transgender individuals respond in kind by calling their doctors "dentists."