Crier Quotes

“I don’t know if I’d call it a problem, per se, but I’ll admit $500k is a lot to put down on Australian toad wrestling.”
- Bruno Mars

Trending News

In a meeting with Cabinet members, President Trump said Elon Musk will likely go back to his companies soon. Although going back isn’t really Elon’s MO — just ask his kids. 

Baby brand Frida is releasing a breast milk flavored ice cream. While regular ice cream is sold in cartons, Frida’s breast milk ice cream is sold in jugs. 

This week, New York City unveiled a new subway map — Yep, the maps, that was the problem. 

Doritos and Subway have introduced a new footlong nacho tray. The partnership is part of your annual reminder that Subway is the healthy one. 

Amazon has unveiled a new AI agent that can take control of a web browser and perform simple tasks. There is a small glitch, however, as it appears when the AI agent takes control of a web browser it seems to immediately purchase new golf clubs and sign you up for OnlyFans. 

Engineers have developed a brain-computer interface that converts thoughts to speech in near real time. The device may allow patients with severe paralysis to regain verbal communication — giving the severely paralyzed the ability to say things like “I love you,” and “Oh God, please kill me.” 

University of Rennes researchers have discovered fecal transplants from elite athletes into mice improve insulin sensitivity and help muscles store more energy. For more, you can find the full study in the pages of the medical journal “They’re Doing What to What?”

Feature

Stock Market Leaves Suicide Note

Members of the investing community are still reeling following the stock market’s sudden taking of its own life this week. The stock market was found in its hotel room early Thursday morning, an empty bottle of prescription tariffs on the nightstand. The stock market is survived by its wife, the bond market, and their three children: foreign exchange, commodity, and derivative — as well as what many claim is the market’s illegitimate fourth child, crypto. In a note left by the market, it framed its decision as “something I need to do for me.” The market made it clear that the pressure from the stress of needing to continually grow and outperform markets of the past was just too much. The market expressed gratitude to the administration for making its decision easier, saying, “I don’t know if I’d have the strength to do it on my own. I’ve truly been liberated.” In a final message, the market attempted to console the hundreds of millions of lives it touched, saying, “Don’t cry, I’m in a worse place now.”As they greave, CEOs at top investing firms who were closest with the market have requested privacy during this difficult time. Memorial services will be held every day next week starting at 9:30 a.m. ET and ending at 4:00 p.m. ET. In lieu of flowers, donations will be made to the charity Brokers without Boardrooms.

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