#17

October 31, 2021

Crier Quotes

“Shouldn’t you guys have brought two sleeping bags?”- Sacagawea

Feature

Alaska Localities to Install "Bear Lanes"

The lede:

According to an Alaska Wildlife Troopers press release, a 500lb brown bear mauled a man biking along the Jack River. Rocked by the latest in a string of bear-biker incidents, Alaskan localities look to curb right-of-way traffic conflicts by putting up clearly defined "bear lanes."

Tell me more

Who has the right of way? Bicyclist or beast?

We spoke with the cyclist who recently came to blows with a brown bear in a confrontation over the right-of-way issue. He had this to say:

I kept yelling, "bike lane! bike lane!" but the bear just gave me the finger and called me a fascist. Now, I'm not just gonna sit back and take it, you know, so I get off the bike to give this thing a piece of my mind, and you know what it does? It takes a nice chunk out of my tibia - the nerve! And I'm not the only one. They've been absent-mindedly running us off the roads for decades now, and nothing has been done about it. They think just because we're trying to save the environment by cycling instead of driving, and they are the environment that they can do whatever the f**k they want. Well, I've had just about enough. It's high time these a**holes got their own lane.

Alaska's Department of Transportation and Public Facilities Commissioner Ryan Anderson (who was appointed by Gov. Dunleavy largely because he's 1/16 Grizzly, on his mother's side) spoke at a press conference announcing the new lanes in both English and guttural bellows.

"We all have a right to the road," said Anderson, "whether you're on two wheels, four wheels, two legs, four legs, or that thing where you lay flat on your back and pedal with your hands, this state is committed to building a safer, more accessible, more equitable society built on mutual respect for all species."

The "bear lanes" are said to cost just shy of $147 million, which Alaskan officials say will neatly be buried within the pork of the Democrats' $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill.

What are people saying?

Not everyone is pleased with the decision. We spoke with famed Native Alaskan personal injury lawyer, Chasing Siren, at the offices of Wietz & Wounded Wolf. He told us the new lanes threaten to cut his business in half.

There is a reason, in this business, we call bear attacks the honey pot. This is where we make our nut. With cases like these, we go after everyone, and usually for everything they got. Sure, we'll harpoon the insurance companies, but that's just foreplay. The real score is ringing those hairy four-legged bastards dry, and now is the perfect time to take 'em to court, too. Winter is right around the corner, so you know they've got their hibernation stockpile just ripe for the picking. I've sent three kids to Yale and one to the University of Pheonix Online on cases like these. And now this so-called 'government' wants to take it all away. It makes my stomach turn.

Miscellaneous

  • Fox News Media has hired more than 100 new staffers for their new 24-hour streaming weather service - because it is Fox News, media experts forecast the service will be a 24-hour shit storm.

  • A farmer in this year's Half Moon Bay Pumpkin Festival in California won first prize for growing a 2,000lb pumpkin. Speaking with reporters after, the farmer smiled and said he's got the "golden seeds." The farmer then sighed and mumbled softly, "too bad they only make pumpkins grow."

  • Ride-hailing app Lyft has admitted it received more than 4,000 reports of sexual assault during rides from 2017 - 2019 - marking yet another category the company trails Uber.

  • Georgia Senator Raphael Warnock is set to release a memoir titled "A Way Out of No Way." The book is said to be about the Senator's spiritual and personal journey, and not, as the title would suggest, a "how-to" guide to getting out of the friend zone.

  • Amazon workers at its Staten Island warehouse filed a petition to form a union this week. The petition will likely go to the courts where a judge will once again decide whether people from Staten Island can legally form a union with their cousins.

  • During an interview with Vogue, Adele revealed her most prized possession is a framed piece of used Celine Dion chewing gum she got as a gift from James Cordon. The reveal has led to other stars showing off the oddly discarded celebrity possessions they received as gifts - Including Andy Coen, who said after the reunion episode, he received a jar containing Khloé Kardashian's original face.

  • This week marked the anniversary of the 1904 opening of the New York City subway - to date, there have been no improvements.

  • Halloween on Capitol Hill is always filled with good sportsmanship as both parties dress in costumes that poke fun at the other. This year's theme was "A Night at the Theatre." Playing on Republicans' belief that they were conducting "witch hunts" Congressional Democrats dressed up as characters from The Crucible - while Republicans took aim at Speaker Pelosi by dressing as various characters from Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew.

  • French TV pundit, Eric Zemmour, seen above watching a diabetic child lose a foot, is making waves in the French political arena with a potential run for President in April. Zemmour has been gaining traction among the country's far-right political faction for what we assume is his promise to "get back his precious."