#170

Sunday, June 1st

Crier Quotes:

“Before Pulp Fiction, I’d get small things here and there, but I mainly supported myself by performing as a dancer at Chippendales under the stage name Shaquarius.”
- Ving Rhames on humble beginnings

Trending News:

According to the Associated Press, the Southern accent is disappearing in parts of the US South. The AP investigation reports the drop is due to more southerners than ever moving north to marry outside the family. 

Tinder CEO Faye Iosotaluno said on Thursday that she will be step down in July. In a company-wide email announcing her decision to leave, Iosotaluno assured employees “it’s not you, it’s me,” adding “I just really need to focus on my career right now.”

The National Parks recently received a surge in donations after an OnlyFans account started posting park thirst trap content. Which makes sense when you consider how much OnlyFans already does in raising awareness for beavers. 

Feature:

Gas Station Sells Billionth Losing Ticket

There was cause for celebration shortly before 6pm Wednesday evening after a Bakersfield Speedway station reportedly sold its one billionth losing lottery ticket. 

Frank Goodman, 57, of nearby Johnsonville, told lottery officials he was just driving home from work around 5:45pm when passing the Speedway he thought “what the heck, why not?” Little did he know, he was about to be the station’s one billionth loser. 

“I usually drive straight home after work,” said Goodman. “Honestly, I don’t know why I decided to stop. Dumb luck, I guess.” 

Goodman’s purchase of a $20 Ultra Xtreme Hungry Hippos scratch off, in which players scratch the image of a bloat of ravenous hippopotamuses thrashing a water buffalo to reveal their numbers and prizes beneath, solidified the milestone as he, like the 999,999,999 other losers before him, was unable to match any of his lucky numbers or bonus numbers or reveal an instant win icon.

The billion-ticket moment was made even sweeter by Goodman's pathetic inability to match a single number, revealing only a measly instant win cherry icon instead of a gold bar

Speedway owner Amir Ahmed was equally shocked to have hit the record. “You come to this country with a dream,” said Ahmed, “You just never think it’ll actually happen to you. And to have him not even come close, you can’t draw it up any better than that.”

Photographers were on hand to capture the moment after the billion ticket loser was reported to lottery officials. The two men were all smiles as each had one hand on the ticket with the other hand out stretched holding up the number one.

Although he’s now sold one billion losers, Ahmed says he has no plans to stop working. “I just hope it doesn’t go to my head. The phone has been ringing nonstop with people calling to congratulate me. Everyone wanting to know what I’m going to do now. But honestly, at the end of the day, I’m still the same Amir.”

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