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- #173
#173
Sunday, June 22nd
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#173
Sunday, June 22nd
Crier Quotes
“Depends on how I’m feeling that day. Hot pockets, Marie Callender’s chicken pot pies, a jar of Tostitos salsa con queso, basically, anything you can microwave.”
⁃ Danny McBride on what he uses to masturbate
Trending News
A British man broke a Guinness World Record when he performed seven backflips in thirty seconds while on fire. And I bet the guy who did six backflips in thirty seconds while on fire is feeling like a real idiot right now.
Taco Bell announced it’s releasing two new sauces for purchase at grocery stores. The company said the condiments were designed with a squeeze top to stay true to its commitment to giving you the squirts.
Following the success of the Barbie movie, Mattel has begun development of a new film based on Whac-A-Mole. According to Hollywood insiders, it’s the first film cast by whichever actors are last to say “not it!”
A loose chicken was wrangled by animal control in Iowa after it was spotted outside a Buffalo Wild Wings. Animal rescuers suspect the bird went to the chain to visit family.
Feature
Hellmann’s Introduces New Extra Strength Mayonnaise
Hellmann's announced Tuesday the introduction of a new Extra Strength mayonnaise. A spokesperson for the brand said Extra Strength mayo was designed to satisfy consumer needs in the fight against acute culinary dryness by delivering a mayonnaise that is both faster-acting and longer lasting.
“Our new Extra Strength mayo provides instant mayonnaise relief for those suffering from chronic dry mouth,” said Hellmann’s spokesperson Abigail Bach. “With the addition of patented micro mayo rapid-release technology, Extra Strength mayonnaise makes dry, dull sandwiches a thing of the past.”
Markets reacted favorably to the launch as immediately following the announcement, mayonnaise futures soared, hitting record levels and closing north of $3,500 per barrel. Heading into the summer, economists predict the extra strength mayonnaise will have a further impact beyond sandwiches, significantly bolstering picnic and backyard barbecue markets for both potato and macaroni salad.
When asked what’s next for Hellmann’s, Bach hinted that its research and development division was working on a non-drowsy mayonnaise with plans for launch in time for Thanksgiving.
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