- The Town Crier
- Posts
- #172
#172
Sunday, June 15th
In partnership with
#172
Sunday, June 15th
Happy Father’s Day!
Crier Quotes
“It’s special for me because there are thousands of families that wouldn’t be celebrating today if it wasn’t for the work I did.”
- Maury Povich
Trending News
Lululemon announced plans this week to raise prices in response to tariffs. You know seeing the new prices shocked loyal Lululemon customers because it was the first time in years they felt their eyebrows move.
This week, President Trump attended the opening performance of Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center. The President said seeing the entire cast of Les Miserable was a nice change of pace from his usual showing of just Melania.
New research published in Belgium investigates why our mind goes blank. The study was conducted by hooking neuron receptors to over 14,000 men then having their wives tell them next weekend’s plans.
Feature
Children Named "Maurice" More Likely an "Old Soul”
A comprehensive 35-year study published Thursday in The Journal of Developmental Psychology confirms what many have long suspected: naming your child "Maurice" significantly increases the likelihood of them being an "Old Soul.”
Research lead Dr. Roy Nelson of Bowling Green's Department of Cultural Anthropology says he and his team have conducted the most comprehensive Maurice study to date, providing insight across the entire spectrum of Maurice behavior patterns. The longitudinal study tracked 37,561 Maurice across six continents, comparing them to control groups of children named Tyler, Madison, and Jayden.
According to the paper, 84% of Maurice 1-3 years old preferred overalls to belts, while 68% of Maurice learning to walk did so with their hands clasped behind their backs.
During recess, Maurice aged 4-7 showed a marked tendency to watch other children play on the jungle gym from nearby benches while feeding birds breadcrumbs. Remarkably, 81% of Maurice in this age range were able to play Canasta despite never having the rules explained to them.
Perhaps most striking, though, was the 92% accuracy which teenage Maurice were able to predict weather changes based solely on joint pressure sensitivity. Moreover, College-aged Maurice were 15,000% more likely than their peers to display Dizzy Gillespie posters in their dormitories.
Among Maurice aged 21-26, 73% agreed that sofas should be encased in plastic to increase longevity. Nearly all 30-year-old Maurice (99%) demonstrated an uncanny ability to detect when “someone’s been fiddling with the damn thermostat.”
By age 35, fewer than 10% of Maurice described their ideal summer day as anything other than "sitting out in a lawn chair with a washcloth on my head, getting a good sweat.”
Across all age categories, Maurice were significantly more likely to pull off wearing Panama or Kangol hats unironically, and when given fabric choices, nearly 100% of Maurice selected velour.
After 35 years of studying Maurice, Dr. Nelson says he and his team are already planning their next investigation: determining the correlation between carrying a bag with loose hard candies and naming your child “Ethel."
In partnership with The Black Tux
The Best Suit In Your Closet Costs Under $300
Forget overpriced department store suits that fall apart after a few wears. The Black Tux Essentials Collection delivers premium wool, expert tailoring, and modern styling for less than $300.
Whether you're getting married, attending weddings all season, or just tired of having nothing decent to wear to nice dinners, this is the suit that handles everything. Quality that lasts, style that impresses, at a price that makes sense.
If you enjoyed this issue and want to support future editions, please share or consider making a contribution. All amounts make a difference. Thank you!
If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.
