- The Town Crier
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- #174
#174
Sunday, June 29th
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#174
Sunday, June 29th
Crier Quotes
“There’s never a good time. You’ll either need one when they aren’t looking to get rid of theirs, or they’re looking to get rid of one and you don’t need it. Very rarely will you need one at the same time as they are getting rid of theirs.”
- Harrison Ford on asking a friend for a kidney.
Trending News
Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo conceded to Assemblyman Mamdani in New York City’s Democratic mayoral primary this week. On the bright side, you have to admire the growth as conceding shows Cuomo finally understands that “no means no.”
McDonalds and Krispy Kreme have decided to end their partnership. Spokespeople for both companies said the decision to end the partnership comes after they noticed a considerable increase in friction — mainly between the thighs.
North Korea is opening a beach resort that its leader Kim Jong Un hopes will boost tourism. The North Korean leader was seen relaxing poolside next to his daughter with a pack of cigarettes, cold drink, and towel as they watched swimmers use the water park attractions. Speaking with press afterwards, Kim said his favorite was watching the “water boarding.” When asked to clarify if he meant “surfing,” Kim said, “sure.”
The Athletics broke ground on their new Las Vegas stadium this week. At the ceremony, A's ownership promised fans a state-of-the-art facility with an unparalleled viewing experience, including the highly anticipated 7th inning strip.
Feature
Man Questioned in Connection with String of Serial Buzz Killings
Authorities have brought in local resident Gene Gulch, 44, for questioning in connection with a string of serial buzz killings.
Gulch is allegedly responsible for the intentional souring of several social gatherings in and around the downtown Chicago area, including nine office happy hours, twelve birthday parties, and no fewer than four Bar Mitzvahs, all within the last year.
Authorities say Gulch has even been so brazen as to commit the unprovoked and senseless buzz killings within the homes of those he and others had only just been invited to warm.
"This is a sick individual," said investigative lead Lt. Hank Adams. "He sees people enjoying an innocent buzz full of potential memories and feels compelled to extinguish it. Make no mistake, Gene Gulch is a menace to society.”
Detailed forensic analysis of evidence collected across the city reveals Gulch's methodical approach: first isolating victims from the group, then systematically draining their enthusiasm with monologues about the Sisyphean nature of human struggle, the inevitability of death, and his medically unexplainable rash—complete with high-definition slideshow.
Within hours of his release from questioning, sources reported that Gulch had struck again: this time, at a local improv show, where he was seen repeatedly shouting the setting suggestion “cancer ward.”
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