#175

Sunday, July 6th

Editor’s Note: I hope everyone had a safe, happy, and fun filled 4th of July weekend!

Crier Quotes

“I never charge. There are things you do for money, and then there are things you do for the love of it.”
⁃ Sandra Bullock on shucking oysters

Trending News

This week, Malaysia cracked down on plastic waste imports, raising concerns about what the US—especially California—will do with its plastic. California Gov Gavin Newsom said the crackdown does present a challenge, but luckily only a small percentage of the state’s plastic was going to Malaysia. The rest, he said, will continue to be pumped into residents’ faces, chests, and asses. 

President Trump has announced plans to host a UFC championship bout on the White House lawn in 2026 as part of America250, a yearlong celebration marking the nation’s 250th anniversary. The fight answers the question “what’s the presidential equivalent of putting in an above-ground pool?”

A 68-year-old woman from Guadeloupe is the only known person on Earth with a newly discovered blood type, dubbed “Gwada negative.” It’s the first rare blood discovery since the early two thousands when the same group of doctors discovered nearly all New Jersey residents are “Guido positive.” 

Feature

Nation's Dads Want to Know "Who Let This Guy In Here?"

With tongs in hand and "The Home of Classic Rock" Jackal 98.3 on the speaker, the nation's dads made a half turn as they heard the unmistakable sound of their son's friend entering the backyard with a case of beer under their arm. 

"I see we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now," the nation's dads said as they opened their arms to embrace the 19-year-old friend, who since he and the son met back in freshman year of high school, they've seen no less than three times throw up in a shoe. "Hey, I like that shirt—you should've bought two and thrown them both out," added the nation's dads before reminding the friend to ask his parents how they were able to get rid of him so easily because they seem to be having trouble. The dads then glanced at their watches with theatrical confusion, before inquiring when the friend needed to be returned back to the zoo. 

As the sun set across America's backyards, the nation's dads were reportedly returning to their grills with visible satisfaction, and while never directly said, secretly enjoying the company. Several were overheard muttering variations of "kid's not completely hopeless" under their breath after being handed a beer without having to ask first—the highest form of paternal praise known to science. 

The friends, meanwhile, settled into lawn chairs with their assigned beverage-fetching duties, phones already out to text their own fathers: "Mr. Johnson just called me 'a walking advertisement for birth control.' Your move, Dad."

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