#176

Sunday, July 13th

Crier Quotes

“Now, I’m no expert, but I’d say feet first.”
⁃ Jeff Goldblum on walking 

Trending News

A Hamptons restaurant is serving an $8,000 martini that comes with a 5-carat diamond necklace and a $1,000 charity donation built into the tab. Said people in the Hamptons, “you lost me at ‘charity.’”

In Japan, you can hire someone to quit your job for you. Increasingly popular “resignation companies” help clients avoid uncomfortable conversations, as they deliver the news to bosses and handle the logistics of quitting. And for an extra 10%, they’ll take a dump on the copier. 

This week, Mattel introduced its first Barbie representing a person with Type 1 diabetes. The new Barbie wears a continuous glucose monitor and has an insulin pump attached to her waist. Not to be outdone, American Girl announced plans to introduce a Type 2 diabetic doll equipped with a detachable foot. 

Feature

Man Getting Great Odds on Financial Ruin 

Rubbing both hands together as he scanned the latest spreads across his FanDuel, DraftKings, and Fanatics Sportsbook accounts, local man Devin Williams couldn’t believe the odds he was getting on complete, inescapable financial ruin. 

“My my, what do we have here,” said Williams, narrowing in on a +34000 underdog in Canadian Quail Hunting. “Talk about a lock. But if I really want to cash in, I’ll tease it with a little Czech ping pong. Looks like Ibramavich is going off at 88-to-1 again. Might as well just wire me the money now.”

Williams says his favorable odds are no doubt a result of his earning Premier Ultra Platinum, which he says he earned shortly after taking a lean out on his home against his over/under 14.5 combined Air Mails in Pro Tour Doubles American Corn Hole.  

“Take a look at this, as a Premier Ultra Platinum member, I get faster, same-day withdrawals from my savings account and can get triple profit boosted bonus bets if I link to my 401(k),” said Williams while enabling Premier Ultra Platinum “Kidney or Cover” in which his bet to cover the spread is multiplied by 10,000 in exchange for his kidney. “Who’s got it better than me?”

As this issue goes to print, Williams received an alert for an exclusive “College Football Fund,” offering Williams early access to an exclusive program that allows him to directly draw from his children’s 529 account. 

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